Agent Nora and the Weird Vegtables of Blood

It was snowing in Svalfart, Agent Nora had her nosed pressed to the icy window, longing to run barefoot in the crispy new fall of snow (she was weird like that). She looked at the wall thermometer, seeing it was now 10 degrees she punched the air and 'whoop whooped'. DI Petty rolled hs eyes and shivered. Being a Scottish person he felt the cold badly. He had his thermal kilt on but it was drafty and the occasional icicle splintered off the underside and powdered the regulation grey carpet with ice. Petty had just arrived back from a police proceedure training course in Sussex, and now knew what to do if they ever ran out of photocopy paper. He lived life dangerously did DI Petty. Some say he had an evil twin locked in a cupboard in his appartment, as the occasional shrill female voice could be heard in the dead of night and during the Champions League on Sky. It was a mystery indeed.

mmm... yes... tell me more...

I'm seeing some real potential here....

Agent Nora's erstwhile chum Orwell the police pathologist stomped into the room leaving a trail of snow slush like an overgrown (but sexy) snail. He plonked himself into the least Biffo chewed chair. (Biffo was the duty sargeant, and some say he was the Missing Link). Orwell looked a bit bemused, which was his default setting, but this time Nora knew it was bemused with an extra dollop of weird shit.
'Hey Orwell, whatchoo say we go for a skinny dip in the Svalfart Sound later?' said Nora.
Orwell shuddered and sank further down into his big fluffy pink parka. Just the thought of taking off his gloves was making him anxious. he thought Agent Nora was a danger in the Winter months, after once being persuaded to hike to the top of the Tower of Lore in a thunder storm (just for fun). But it hadnt been 'fun'. They had found Elthir the local Loremaster at the top turret communing with 'Saruman'. They had spent the night trying to lure him down with offers of DI Eldo's kitkat lasagna.
It had scarred him for life.

'er no thanks Nora' he said. Bug eyed and grinning like someone who has just read 20 pages of grey/silver horse debate and is desperate for escape. 'Maybe some other time so help me gawd'.
Nora sighed and sat down and looked at her friend closely. His left hand was bandaged and drops of blood had stained his tight jeans.
'the perps biting you again?' she laughed. knowing he was a pathologist. they liked their gothic horror jokes those two.
Orwell looked uneasy and darted a glance at Petty. It was going to be difficult to explain and he hoped Petty wouldnt faint.

'Well if you must know, a turnip bit me', he said. Nora and Petty looked at each other, Nora with amusement and Petty with a slightly girlie Amy Pond pout.
'waddumean it bit you? she said. 'Turnips dont have teeth'.
'Well this one did, small white needle teeth, and it hissed as well'. he said and shuddered (again).
'I had a terrible job peeling it off me, and it would have sank its teeth in my cherries if Agent Azriel hadnt whacked it with her handbag.
'It all started this morning at Daves farm, there are mad vampire veggies running amok in town and its all farmer Daves fault.

Indeed there were, and it was.
Thousands of tiny vampire vegtables were terrorizing the town of Svalfart. Their little footprints patterning the snow like lace, but among the 'lace' were drips of blood, and squeals and squarks could be heard as little needle teeth attached themselves to delicate soft bits. The nightime was the worst. Svalfartians getting into bed found their toes attacked and folk taking a dump had to fend off the dreaded toilet spuds.
Something had to be done. and fast. In a crisis Agent Nora went to the two people she could almost trust, as they had given her some jolly good advice in her previous cases. First she decided to visit the Loremaster himself Elthir the Elusive in his mysterious seaside cottage.

I so love reading the stories that post here ! They are way to funny ! You have a great sense of humour !, Please do continue !

Agent Nora was always wary of her trips out to Elthirs cottage, he lived down a windy spooky lane where only the sound of seagulls and flying spotted merps could be heard. She knocked on the door and a volley of grumbling and shouting issued from the area approximating the letter box, she could hear Elthir stomping to the door, obviously Nora had disturbed his studies in the grey Arts.
'What do you want Agent Nora? he said stentoriously as if from far far away.
I am in a pickle' she said meekly. 'I need a clue, these vampire veggies are getting on my tits'.
'Elthir sighed and stared at Nora from over his round spectacles.
'Look to the Evil Twin', he said. and shut the door in her face.
''bloody cheek', said Nora. But still she was intrigued by the latest random clue.

It was hot and fuggy in Mrs Figgs Emporium, and rivulets of condensation dripped down to join the beer dregs and other yucky substances on the sawdust floor. Nora hated the warm comfortable pub, warmth was for wimps.
Her husband DI Eldo was sitting with Chris the local News Hound from the paper, The Svalfart Wholesome News. Chris had written bookses and he and his fellow author Lance, would sit for hours in the pub, nursing their pints and telling each other Tales of Quests and complex political espionage and stories with just boys in, which caused a few raised eyebrows I can tell you.
'hi hubby whatchoodoin? she said, and caught a look of embarrasment from Eldo.
'I am thinking of joining the The Procrastinators Hole', he said sheepishly.
'you mean the writing club?, said Nora, amazed. 'wow I thought you had given it up, its ages since you wrote anything for the Needlehole Mysteries'.
'well yeah, he said, 'but I have had stuff to do you know!, he stood up too quickly and his crisps landed in one of Mrs Figgs's pussies.
'Policing is not a part-time job, and perps must be merped, er, I mean caught.
'You mean Herring thieves?, cos thats all we have in Svalfart', said Nora dismissivly.

Mrs Figg noticed the tension in the atmosphere and walked over to their table, being the hostess she wanted to be the one who threw the hissy fits, thanks very much.
'Hi Agent Nora, hows the hunt for the cause of the vampire veggies going on? she said coaxingly trying to change the subject. She could see it was perilously near to 'photoshopped grass' levels and wanted to nip it in the proverbials.
'oh no idea' glowered Nora. 'Elthir gave me a clue but its neither use nor ornament'.
I mean, 'what does 'look to the evil twin mean anyway?.
'Hasnt Petty got one? 'An evil female twin? said Mrs Figg trying to sound calm and sensible for once.
'erm, thats the gossip, but its doubtful, the only female in Pettys heart was Amy Pond, until he found out that she actually hated working on Dr Who and despised Moffat with a passion, he went off her pretty sharpish after that', said Nora gleefully. and she giggled with the giggle of a true RTD lover.

I feel like I'm getting a subliminal message telling me to write something again.

I kinda like the bite sized installments. Fits my bite-sized concentration level...just went out to brunch with bottomless mimosas.

{{{Halfwise, who is Bottomless Mimosas??? }}}

'OwwwwwwwwwW!' said a little silvery voice from under a table. A girl scrambled out from under it, with what looked like a fanged orange attached to her ankle. 'Gerritoffff!' she wailed, shaking her leg frantically.
They all stared at her, wondering as one what the heck had she been doing under a bar-room table. 'Hey said Nora, 'you are Ally, the police intern, arent you? what are you doing under there? Ally stoped shaking her leg and stood there while the little blood orange made purring noises as it sucked.
'I am looking for clues', she said. 'I am sick of being an intern, I want to solve the case, get a commendation and become a policeperson like you Nora, and if I dont, I will punch you in the face'.
'oh good luck with that', said Nora sarcastically, 'You havent taken your Viking Swearing Oath, which means there is absolutely no way you are gonna solve this case. cos I am'. Nora raised her dukes and danced in front of Ally, in a most unfeminine manner. 'Ally Intern, there is NO F******** way you will solve this case before me!

loving the horrible little veggies Dave.

Nora stalked out of the pub, not listening to Eldo's manly shouts to come back. She liked the cold crisp air, it helped her think better, and made her toes tingle.
Before she had met Ally she had been feeling despondant, but now the prospects of recieving the annual Cumberbatch award for post-modern policing stirred within her soul, and egged her on.
'Think Nora', she said to herself, 'Who knows about weird shaped veggies?, who set killer carrots loose on the town last year? who fiddled with Figgs, and goes boss eyed every time someone mentions protuberant tubers?
Farmer Dave, thats who.

Brilliant! Mrs Figg! Reminds me all over again why I want to have wild sweaty sex with you one day, possibly in public somewhere, except for my bad back.

on every level!

Are you referring to the glowing vegetable or Orwell? His plan does have its promising aspects....

Both really.
and this Bottomless Mimosa sounds nice, does she live in manhatten?

"I'm obsessed with sexual experimentation with fruit.

Well, that's what my currant girlfriend says."