what sort of jokes can I get away with?

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Post by chris63 Thu May 02, 2013 7:03 am

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Post by chris63 Thu May 02, 2013 7:59 am

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Post by Norc Thu May 02, 2013 8:35 am

the last one. please. can we not do Hitler jokes.
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Post by Norc Thu May 02, 2013 8:40 am

this gives a whole new meaning to "pain in the ass"
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Post by Eldorion Thu May 02, 2013 8:54 am

Norc wrote:the last one. please. can we not do Hitler jokes.

Not even the ones where people put fake subtitles over that movie with Hitler in the bunker at the end of WWII? Those can be pretty great. Laughing
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Post by Norc Thu May 02, 2013 8:57 am

i know, but i really dn't take lighthearted on WWII and auswitch or anything.
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Post by Eldorion Thu May 02, 2013 8:58 am

Yeah, I don't think anyone was making light of Auschwitz.
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Post by Norc Thu May 02, 2013 11:00 am

good. i just feel like suckers like Hitles should just be forgotten, not the actions of course, and the trauma, but the person doesn't deserve any fame, not even bad fame..
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Post by CC12 35 Thu May 02, 2013 1:32 pm

but if we forget hitler now he's just some German that we used 2 know
now he's just a man whose height was low

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Thu May 02, 2013 7:31 pm

If we dont have Hitler jokes we dont thave this-


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Post by Norc Thu May 02, 2013 7:33 pm

well, okay, some are funny... (i liked my arse joke though)
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Post by chris63 Mon May 06, 2013 4:09 am

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".

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Post by azriel Mon May 06, 2013 6:07 pm

lol!

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Post by chris63 Tue May 07, 2013 4:48 am

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Post by chris63 Tue May 07, 2013 5:21 am

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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Post by chris63 Tue May 07, 2013 5:27 am

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Post by chris63 Tue May 07, 2013 5:30 am

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail….. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast…..she farted and flew out the window!”Smile

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Post by azriel Tue May 07, 2013 12:58 pm

lol!

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Post by azriel Tue May 07, 2013 12:59 pm

Microsoft's Latest Venture

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

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Post by azriel Tue May 07, 2013 1:02 pm

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

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Post by halfwise Tue May 07, 2013 4:01 pm

Thumbs Up on both.

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Post by Ally Tue May 07, 2013 6:10 pm

So funny.

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Post by chris63 Wed May 08, 2013 1:03 am

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Post by chris63 Wed May 08, 2013 1:21 am

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Post by Orwell Wed May 08, 2013 8:08 am

Laughing

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