Agent Nora and The Furball of Fear

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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:11 pm

Agent Nora was on nightshift, it was generally slow and sleepy, nothing much happened apart from the occasional drunk getting too frisky in Mrs Figgs Emporium, last time it was a projectile vomiting Penguin, but as it turned out to be DI Petty under the costume, he wasnt charged but left to muse on the error of trying to "incubate" a boiled Scotch egg under his feathery feet while chatting up a sailor called Darren dressed as Amy Pond. It was bound to get messy, and it did. They had to extract the boiled egg from Pettys quivering body in Svalfart Hospital A and E department. Nora wanted a quiet night, those rampaging pixies had tired her out, and the mysterious disappearance of the Wobbit needed a lot of explaining down at HQ. Luckily she was alone at home, she could lounge around eating cake and watching Jerseylicious without reproving snorts from her beloved Eldo. He was off with DI herring on a secret mission to Wellywood. There had been reports of coming trouble at the forthcoming screening of the Hobbit, it was reported that someone was planning to kidnap the famous and well loved director and force him under threat of severe neep tweeking to edit out whole sections of the film including crucial and highly anticipated scenes with Tauriel the latex clad love interest of Thorin Oakenmember.
Nora was debating whether to take forty winks under the desk when a strange person walked into reception. When i say strange dear reader I mean it wasnt quite clear if this was a male or female person, or just a Tokyo Hotelesque Emo travesty. We will call him He, just for simplicity.
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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:27 pm

"Hello Officer", said the Person in a little sqeaky voice, "I have come to report my missing cat". Oh Boorriinnngg, thought Nora, thats all I need, another lost kitty. Nora got out the necessary paper work and took notes. "Name", said Nora, trying not to yawn. "Lester", said the cat-bereft. "Is that you or the cat?" said Nora, trying not to sound too sarcastic. They had a policy of non-sarcasm and general pandering to the general public whether clinically batty or not. Gone were the days when a police officer could stroll with a supercilious air up to a miscreant driver and ask "Is this your car Sir", with a roll of the lip a sniff and a sneer, gone were the days when perps could feel the blunt end of a Svalfart telephone directory thrust unceremonially up delicate parts of the body in cells. These were PC days and Nora had to tone the snarkytude down at least 10 notches. "I am Lester, and my cat doesnt have a name, he wont accept one, he is free of the conventions that govern society and has taken up the banner of anarchy and chaos". Cripes! thought Nora, here's a live one. She brightened considerably, at least it wasnt boring.


Last edited by Mrs Figg on Sat Feb 18, 2012 8:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:46 pm

Nora had heard of this Lester character before, he had caused no unconsiderable rumblings of discontent and huffyness at the Svalfart Summer Awards, by all accounts he had turned up at the last minute and had snatched all the best awards from under the outraged noses of the townsfolk. he had been hissed at by Mrs Figg who hadnt won anything and was feeling a bit stroppy. Nora asked him whether he had gone to the local animal shelter or had searched the surrounding bushes, but Lester had just looked at her with a slightly pitying stare and had said that HIS cat wouldnt be found in such humdrum locations. By now Nora was thoroughly cheesed off and wanted Lester to leave so she could go back to reading her book. She told him that a policeman would be on the lookout for any stray animal wandering about and would inform him as soon as said moggy had been found. Lester grudgingly left, and said that if the cat wasnt found quickly there would be problems in the town and people would disappear. Nora was convinced he was just a harmless eccentric so she didnt take it to heart.
Until people started to disappear.
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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Feb 18, 2012 9:03 pm

Now in a small town disappearing folk is always noticed, but people that gradually faded and became transparent was even more obvious. It started with the ears going a bit out of focus and gradually progressed until only a small quavering voice was left. By all accounts the invisibilee felt perfectly normal and didnt see what all the fuss was about, indeed it was fun putting the wind up traffic wardens and freaking out small dogs in the park. Only the people fully visible seemed to take umbridge at the rapidly echoing town. Something had to be done.
Orwellian came to see Nora looking rather tired and pouty, he had just spent half an hour trying to find the business end of an invisible stiff and he wasnt in the mood for her offered jammy dodgers, having dodged some jammy intestines for most of the morning. "Ive had enough of this lark" he said in a grump, "Its disconcerting when you dont know which end to pour the formaldehyde in", "does your hubby know whats going on?"he said. Nora was a bit irritated by this, as she felt fully up to the task and didnt see why a bloke would know anything more than her. No, she said, "Eldo is in Wellington on official bodyguard duty, trying to prevent a certain Director falling foul of the Small Contract League and the Rage Against The Rapids, by all accounts they intend to boycot the Award ceremony and threaten not to buy tickets and stuff, which I am sure will be very effective and dangerous.


Last edited by Mrs Figg on Sat Feb 18, 2012 10:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Mrs Figg Sat Feb 18, 2012 9:20 pm

Nora and Orwellian went to see the local LoreMaster of the town, he/she, had proved very informative in the past and had usually some words of ambiguous provenance to impart. As usual Nora felt a bit apprehensive when approaching Elthirs cottage, it was as mysterious as Elthir was him/herself, there was a stillness and oddness about the place that put the willies up Nora, but she didnt like to admit to Orwellian that she was afraid of willies. Elthir twitched the curtains and then opened the door a crack. "welcome he said, have you come about the transparencies?". "er yeah" said Nora, "we thought you may give us a clue, you being the Loremaster and being a bit on the heebygeeby side". "Elthir smiled his Mona Lisa smile, "well he said, I have to maintain my mystique you know, its good for business, and vintage Montepulciano wine doesnt grow on trees you know?" was the rather odd answer. Elthir pressed his hands together as if in thought and said slowly "Look to the smile".
Oh Boy thought Nora here we go again!
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Post by Eldorion Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:37 pm

That Elthir, he's at it again. Laughing

This is one of my favorite Agent Nora stories already. I can't wait to find out what exactly happened this time (I haven't yet guessed correctly). Razz
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Post by Norc Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:50 am

look to the smile? scratch now.. this is a mystery xD Has something to do with this nameless cat, right? Very Happy
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 12:37 pm

I am sure you are wondering Dear Reader what all this has to do with Lester's missing cat?, well frankly so do I, so on with the tale.
"What has this to do with a missing cat?", said Nora. "Beats me" said Orwellian, he hated not knowing stuff, it really irritated him. They were to find out soon, and almost wish they hadnt found the answer.

Eldo came back from Wellywood exhausted after being almost trampled by charging Armitage fans on the Red Carpet of the World Premier, they had made a mad dash for any protruding bits of Armitage as he passed them and Eldo had to jump to safety behind Evangeline Lily who nobody had noticed as she looked like one of the fans. "Did you get charged by Legolas fans too?" she said, not quite believing that Lego fans were any less enamoured of His Blondeness. "Dont be daft" he said, "Everyone knows Elve lovers are too floaty and otherworldly to grapple men to the floor trying to rip their clothes off". DI Herring was in the kitchen snaffling industrial strength kippers on toast, he was comfort eating after watching the spectacle of Tauriel snogging and biting Kili all over Middle Earth, in dungeons, barrels, tunnels and death scenes. It was too much even for a tuff Viking to stomach.
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 12:58 pm

Now she had Eldo, Ringo and Orwellian to help, Nora felt much better, she also had Biffo and as he seemed immune to disappearing and seemed eager to help find "puzzcat", they set off one morning to investigate and generally brainstorm and take high tea in Mrs Miggins world famous cake and flange shoppe. Eldo had had some distrubing news from Wellywood, during the screening of the film it had been discovered by the Kiwi police that a super-dooper technological piece of kit from Weta labs had gone walkabout. By all accounts this technology had been developed in utter secrecy and was about to revolutionize the film and popcorn industry for decades to come. By all accounts in the wrong hands the technology could do odd things to ones soft tissue and lubrication glands. In the hands of a loony it could mean industrial espionage on a global level, KY Industries could take over the world and swamp the market with fake gel. Serious chapping and chafing and world wide crusting could ensue. It was Armpitageddon.
Nora and the boys decided to go to the one man in the town who seemed to have a down to earth approach and fund of medieval catchphrases for any occasion. Farmer Dave could probably help out, like he had in the carrot crisis.
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:01 pm

A pale and watery sun was shining in a azure washed sky after a rainy morning, the rhodedendron bushes that lined Dave's driveway nodded rain heavy heads, and sprinkled cold drips of rainwater down the back of Nora's neck, a blackbird skittered in the undergrowth and a fresh earthy smell invaded their nostrils. Spring had definately sprung in Svalfart, daffodils were undulating in the breeze from the Sea, Nora felt the Call of Nature, and went to pee in a bush. Dave ushered them all into his comfy and warm drawing room, they plonked down in the dog chewed chintz sofas and waited as Dave made them tea. He seemed too sensible to disappear and didnt know how it had happened. He did however notice that the ladies from the caffe had recently taken in a stray cat as he had seen it one day sitting in the window staring out at the passers by with what Dave said, very large amber eyes and a wicked grin. "Well it was something" said Eldo, "maybe we should check it out". Everyone agreed and set off once again for the town. LeeLee and Amarie were the two ladies that ran the shoppe, they both had long flowing hair and pointed ears, Nora often wondered if they were really totally human, they seemed to float about in long flowery frocks even in the middle of Winter, and never seemed to feel the cold or get goosebumps. They would often talk about some mysterious place called Valium or Viagra or somewhere like that, and sometimes went missing for weeks only to return with silver stuff and jools.


Last edited by Mrs Figg on Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:33 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:26 pm

The cat was sitting in the window as they walked in, it turned its head and stared rather haughtily before washing its ears with a long pink tongue. It did indeed look like no ordinary cat. It looked like it could talk, discuss the relative merits of handsome Dwarves and cheat at cards. It caught Nora looking at it and it gave her a cheeky wink. "Is that your cat?", said Ringo to Amarie. "Oh no", she said, "it wandered in one day and said it had had played a trick on its friend Lester, it had decided to disappear for a bit after Lester had taken him to the vet to sort his worm problem, he didnt DO vets, and would go back once Lester had had a lesson in cat etiquette. "what do you mean it SAID", said Nora aghast. "cats dont talk", animals generally dont talk, even in Tolkien related literature it isnt all that common". "well this one does" said LeeLee, and it has been to the see the Hobbit film and says there was a gross misrepresentation of the facts, it got quite angry and stole a piece of film making equipment from Weta to teach them a lesson". "you mean the super dooper technology that could revolutionize film making and squish peoples DNA?" raged Eldo really put out. "yep" said Amarie, "and it serves them right for adding spurious Elves, I mean we, er the Elves would never fall in love with some hairy arsed Dwarf would we LeeLee?, "No we, I mean Elves wouldnt, its too yucky for words", she said irritatedly.
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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:42 pm

"well we need to get to the bottom of this quick" said Eldo, "He walked up to the cat and bent down to whisper to the cat, he didnt want people to know he talked to felines. "Lester's cat, have you set off the Weta Wibbler Wobbler machine?" he asked. The cat grinned an enormous grin, it was the widest most wickedess grin in the world. It was a grin of anarchy and a grin of chaos. It was a grin that would put the wind up the most appeasing poster on the TORN fan forum, it would scare the living daylights out of the most pernickety purist. It was the Grin of Mrs Figgs Ginger Meggs. Look to the smile. as Elthir said.


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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:43 pm

[url=Agent Nora and The Furball of Fear Cheshire_cat2][IMG]


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Post by Mrs Figg Sun Feb 19, 2012 3:44 pm

[url=Agent Nora and The Furball of Fear Cheshire_Cat_Smile_by_SkullKid01302][IMG]
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Post by David H Sun Feb 19, 2012 4:43 pm

Mrs Figg wrote:Dave ushered them all into his comfy and warm drawing room, they plonked down in the dog chewed chintz sofas and waited as Dave made them tea.

(I hate to interrupt, but those sofas are cat-clawed, not dog-chewed. I don't let dogs in my hobbit-hovel, ya know. No)

I'm enjoying the story. Carry on! Very Happy
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Post by Mrs Figg Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:45 pm

"So let me get this straight" said Nora, "cos I am well confused, this cat is Ginger Meggs and Lesters cat, its the same cat?". "No" said a quiet voice from the doorway, its just Cat, all cats, the spirit of cat, its the cat that disappears when you arent looking, its the cat that sits on your newspaper while you are reading it. Its the essence of all their naughtyness all rolled up in one creature. This cat has been seen down the centuries, from the Ancient Egyptians to Lewis Carrol, its the same cat. It is mostly playful and cozy, but when its angry its like a small wild Tiger. It does like to create mayhem and chaos, and leave chewed mice on your pillow. Its for want of better words, a magic cat, and magic cats generally dont like vets poking around in their orifices. Its had some fun turning people invisible like it did for Alice, who was a real girl btw, and now its coming home with me, as I am its guardian", said Lester.
Well I knew that all along " said Orwellian, "But I didnt like to mention it, cos it might have seemed a bit odd even for Svalfart standards". "You know Orwellian" said Nora. "I dont think anything it Too odd for Svalfart".

THE END
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Post by Amarië Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:48 pm

"I dont think anything it Too odd for Svalfart".

Amen to that! lol!

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Post by Orwell Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:21 am

Orwellian came to see Nora looking rather tired and pouty, he had just spent half an hour trying to find the business end of an invisible stiff and he wasnt in the mood for her offered jammy dodgers, having dodged some jammy intestines for most of the morning.

Only one of many things that floored me, Mrs Figg. It's like you've got a spy in my orifice. Shocked

I love you, you know that. Nod

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:18 pm

Do you have Jammy Dodger biscuits in Oz? and Jaffa cakes? once I ate a whole packet in one sitting and then vomited on my little brothers head. Like you do. silent
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Post by Orwell Thu Feb 23, 2012 8:47 pm

I didn't even know what Jammy Dodgers were. To me it was like Tolken mentioning Gondolin and Nargothrond in The Hobbit before I read LotR or the Silmarillion. I did not need to know much about them; just the rumour of them acted as some kind of background to the main thrust of what you were saying. Laughing

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:32 pm

The Rumour of Biscuits. cool. I like that. cheers
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Post by Orwell Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:39 pm

Sadly, I've started back on my fitness kick again, as I'm tired of my return to fat, lazy and ugly, so biscuits are things I can only dream about... Sad

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:44 pm

You could chase some perps round the station.....naked....that would get you toned up..and scare them into sobriety.
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Post by Orwell Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:49 pm

You know this 'perps' just doesn't resonate with me. Sounds 'foreign' somehow. Suspect And btw, Missy, what I do around a police station is my business and no one else's! Banghead

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