Agent Nora and The Fairy Cakes of Doom

Agent Nora was reely reely bored. She had been married to Chief Inspector Eldo for a year and they had gone skiing on their honeymoon to Cortina in Italy. It had been full of women with fur coats, no knickers and yappy Rat dogs that they insisted on taking with them to the exclusive resaurants and bistros of the town, and left a trail of little piles of poo behind them. It was a place that was as fake as the laughs coming from the silicone enhanced trout pouts of the said ladies in question. Nora had been glad to get back to Svalfart, and their big house in the suburbs. She had everything she wanted, a new hybrid SUV, a indoor jacuzzi, and a man that did the landscape gardening. it should have been all very inspirational lifestyle, but Nora was reely reely bored.
She remembered with affection the smelly fishy town with smelly fishy Biffo who poked his head round her office door with a grunt and a wink. She missed the adrenalin rush of new tricksy cases. She missed her old chums in the morgue, the pathologist Orwellian. She missed the crap coffee machine that gave her hot chocolate and ate her change.
On sunny Spring morning she decided to call on Orwellian to see how marriage was treating him, and to discuss her gradually forming decision to take a part time job back at the station, after all Eldo was away a lot on Secret Ops and wouldnt mind.

Orwellian answered the door at Mrs Figgs Emporium and Nora didnt recognize him. He was skinny and drawn, he looked tired and lacking in vitamin B12. what the blazes had happened to the happy foppish prattling and jokular jokyness? No dear reader I didnt know either.
Mrs Figg didnt look much better either. her once trim figure was now decidedly chunky and focund round the bum, and her roots were showing. What had happened to them? Marriage obviously didnt suit either of them.
Orwellian was shifty and nervous when Nora explained her plan to go back to work, and ushered her into the back parlour. "SSShhh!, keep your voice down" he said, "I have come to the same conclusion, I cant be a stud muffin here all day", he said, "But the Missis isnt chuffed, she wants me here at her erm, beck and call all day and all night, I think she sleeps standing up, I know she does everything else standing up", he wailed in torment. But Nora was pleased, at least her best friend in the Force would be there when she got back.

Foppish prattling!

This is a very interesting take on the characters so far. I can't wait to see what else has changed and will happen!

The first day back at work was very pleasant for Nora, they had given her a surprise welcome back party, with silly hats and they had given her a new photocopying machine for her office, and a pot plant. They were really pleased to see her back. Biffo seemed speechless with joy, but then he never spoke when he could spray shrimps, so it was business as usual. Orwellian popped in to her office in the afternoon once he had sewn a head back on after a nasty amateur space ship accident, and took her out for lunch to Amaries and LeeLees organic caffe. They had Nutburgers in Neep jus, followed by fairy cakes in a yummy fruit sauce.
After lunch they both felt stuffed so went for a walk in the park, I say park but it was more the car park of Walmart, with urban installations otherwise known as burnt out FIATs (they were really crappy cars, hense the term Fix.It.Again.Tony) and discussed life, marriage, the Universe, and disappointing episodes of NuWho.
There was a new case Nora had been given, and she wanted to ask Orwellians advice, but before she could say anything she was totally combobulated by seeing something out of the corner of her eye, that just COULD NOT exist.
She had seen a fairy.

It's good to see that Orwellian and Mrs Figg are finding happiness in multiple versions of the Forumshire Multiverse. We'll have to see if Eldo/Nora will go down the same route in other tales. {{{ NB I just read the last part of the previous tale, which I had missed, and I loved the quip about skiing safety despite myself. }}}

She turned to say something but stopped as she saw Orwellian standing rooted to the spot as if Gandalf had just turned him to stone and was outraged by the non canon turn of events. Wots up? she whispered, looking at the glazed expression on his face. "Just saw something weird", he said slowly. Orwellian wasnt afraid of his feminine side, so telling her he had just seen a fairy wasnt a worry. What was a worry however was that the fairy in question was making rude gestures with a carrot. "Cheeky little bugger" said Orwellian in a bemused dazed manner. "who? whos cheeky?" said Nora. "Listen I just saw a fairy or something similar winking at me from under that rusty car", "whats goin on?" said Nora in rising panic and giggles at the same time, which is quite annoying when it happens to you. "Dunno, but they are quite cute, and I have a feeling they are pixies rather than strictly fairies you know, or maybe lepricorns or piskies, anyway something naughty", he said in a musing way. "I think it was those Nutburgers" said Nora, "They have sent us both nuts".
They decided to keep this little occurrance to themselves and In the days that followed only talked about it amongst themselves, as it was rather odd to say the least.

Thanks Eldo. I couldnt resist the foppish prattling description.

My pleasure! Thank you for writing these; they're a blast!

I have a theory about the fairy that I'll put in spoilers in case I'm right.

Spoiler:

But it wasnt just them. Pixies had been seen all over town, Fairies had been found in the local Bed and Breakfast, but then Geoff and Terry had been there for five years already so it wasnt news. The whole town went into fairy hysteria, and the little creatures were blamed from everything from car accidents to Dutch Ovens. They were everywhere, they scampered over roofs, they said Boo! when you went to do a number two, they were in your hair and under the bed, they dropped your toast(butter side down) and they scared the dog. They really were a pest.
Nora loved fairies, she had had a book when she was a kid, showing gossamer wings and wafting flower dresses, delicate little faces with angelic smiles. The creatures in the town were nothing like that. They had decidedly cheeky little pointed faces with red cheeks and sinewy arms, they had splayed feet with enormous big toes, and they tittered when they did something rude and stuck their tongues out and did rasberries very loudly for such little mouths.
Pests!

Eldo, dont put naughty ideas in my head. But no its not.

Mrs Figg wrote: Eldo, dont put naughty ideas in my head.

I thought that was how we all wrote in Forumshire.

The Pixie Epidemic as it became known went on for days until the Super decided in his stolid Sassanach way that it was time to call in a few favours in Special Ops to try and rid the town of this menace. if he had been of Celtic or Viking or other such Romantic origins he might have enjoyed the spectacle of legendery creatures from fairytale milling about, but he didnt have a poetic bone in his body and he just saw them as vermin to be expunged asap. DI Herring and DI Eldo and Petty were called in as they were local and had methods that were effective if a teensy bit unconventional. DI Petty thought it was delusional mass hysteria rather like the one surrounding LOTR films, but DI Eldo was convinced the creatures were real and had escaped some parallel universe or time/space paradox. DI Herring just wished they would stop staring at him from the bottom of the toilet bowl, they put him off and he had been constipated for days.
They all had a Council of War, a bit like the White Council but with more urgency, better biscuits, and without people turning into Moths just for the hell of it.
The upshot of the Council was that nobody had a clue how to get rid of them without angering the pixie appeasers and Huron Hugging PC brigade.

"DI Petty thought it was delusional mass hysteria rather like the one surrounding LOTR films"

It is you know.

They decided to get a crack team of their best Lore Masters on the job to see if sheer brain power could solve the problem. Elthir wanted to find out the exact origin, nature and species of fairy involved including genus and history including citations from the Ashmolean and National Congress Libraries, with appendices in latin.
Dave just wanted to blast them all into space with his new carrot powered rocket.
It was Halfwise who had the breakthrough, it was during lunch in the canteen, he was fiddling with his fish fingers and chips, wishing he could give the waitress a smack for putting too much gravy on his fries. "Didnt all this start when that new restaurant opened in town? you know that weird one with purple curtains and nutburgers?" he mused half to himself. He suddenly realized that this could be the breakthrough they were looking for, but years of experience with "home made cookies" told him at best you would raid the fridge at 3 oclock in the morning looking for cheese, but actually seeing fairies was rare if not impossible. But still it was worth a try, he would let Agent Nora know about his suspicions and let her do the actual foot in the door stuff.

Mrs Figg wrote: DI Herring just wished they would stop staring at him from the bottom of the toilet bowl, they put him off and he had been constipated for days.

oh, poor old fellow xD

Agent Nora had only the words of Halfwise to guide her about the restaurant and the beginning of the infestation, anyway the fairies hadnt actually broken any law, so how could she arrest them if she did find they were hiding out in the shop? When she arrived outside the restaurant she noticed that there were the signs of road works outside the front door with a taped off area and danger signals flashing an angry red. there were men down a deep pit shovelling earth. Maybe it was a gas leak, she thought, as there was a peculiar whiff drifting up to assail her nostril hairs, a kind of sulphuric bad egg smell a bit like one of DI Pettys Haggis sandwich burps mixed with Orwellians characteristic aftertaste of formaldehyde. Nora walked up to the door and was about to go in when she heard yelps and banging coming from inside, she walked in, a cake whizzed over her head to splat! on the astonished face of the workman behind her. Nice,! thought Nora, I do like a bit of gratuitous slapstick. Inside was mayhem, tarts and pies were dripping down the walls in rainbow coloured globs, soda and lemonade bottles were fizzing and popping with gay abandon, assorted buns and sandwiches were playing wild jumping and skipping games, and in the midst were pixies and fairies of every size shape and hue giggling and skittering, goggling and tittering.

"well its a fair old pickle and no mistake", Nora turned and saw Chris who worked in the local newspaper, The Svalfart Chronicle, he was their ace reporter and he regularly got scoops on the Wellywood film industry. "you know it all started down that hole they dug" he said peering down its inky depths, "They say when they first started digging strange laughter was heard and music like fiddles was playing. "and another weird thing was that old pennies and sixpences started pinging up out of the ground onto peoples heads" he said. "Look!" said Nora, also staring down the hole, "there are steps in the rock". "well I aint goin down there" he said, "scoop or no scoop". "What do you think Wobbit?" said Chris, as Wobbit strolled up with string bags with what looked like books inside."Oh that" said Wobbit, with a nod, "Its a crock of gold". "well theres no need to be rude Wobbit" said Chris. "Not crock of s****, crock of gold" said Wobbit with a laugh. Its where the Rainbow ended, its where the Leprechauns left the gold, but nobody found it, and you know that if nobody digs it up, it blows up like yeast, and eventually explodes in pixie activity, or Spooky Action from a Distance, if you are scientifically minded". "crikey" said Nora, "so what happens now?". "well we have to wait for the pixies to have their bit of fun, let them let their hair down, set up Tolkien related fan forums, that kind of thing". "you seem to know a lot about this Wobbit" said Nora. "yes I do" said Wobbit with a mischievous grin.... .and he disappeared with a puff of magic rainbow coloured smoke and the sound of laughter and musical Irish fiddling was heard echoing around the town.

Here's what I thought was the source of the fairy problem:

Spoiler:

Thats a very good explaination, but the Anti Pixie Extinction Society or (APES) or the Fairies Against Baking (FAB), might have sent me some angry letters if I had advocated pixie pie or fairy cake.

The Wobbit, a leprechaun? Well I never!

oops I spelt lepricorn wrong hasty editing. ..thats better...

Agent Nora everyone ^_^ I have become very fond of this character.. maybe a fanfic from me will come who knows
yes, she is a bearfoot hobbit and.. well. a good coat is always good to have

Oooo! Nice! I like your style! Very Sherlocky coat. And loving the tengwar.

I love your picture Norc, she has a very expressive face, it is full of character. What does the elven? language mean? I hope you do write something to do with this character. I can't wait to read it.

Nice drawing Norc. Liking it very much.