Council of Tyrants

Petty: Um are you going to get out that bath any time soon paw?

Paw: Did a gi you permission tae speak son? Naw? Then shut yir buckie hole and get pouring. Yer an embaressment tae the clan.

Petty: I'm in charge of all the buckie in Valinor paw. I'm respectable here (sort of).

Paw: An whit kin' aw joab is that fer a Tyrant? If yi'd drank aw the buckie in Valinor you'd huve sumthing tae boast aboot. Besides whits wrang wi turnip wrangling? Wis good enough fir me and yir maither and yir granpaw. Dae yi think yer better than us dae yi? Swanning aboot wi elves and queens and Bankses by Gods!

Petty: No Paw. Sorry Paw.

Paw: Right where's yer sister got tae?

Petty: How should I know?

Paw: Cause I telt yi tae find her yi useless pile of haggis excriment.

Pretty: Paw!

Paw: Pretty! Ma wee floower. Cum ere and gi yire old man a hug girl. Noo whits this a hear aboot Petty letting yi get into trouble?

Petty: Hey! How's this may fault? Ouch!

Paw: shut it Petty, let yir sister talk she's goat the brains.

Pretty: And the looks. Dont forget my fabulous looks.

Petty:

Pretty: I am going to marry Mirabella Banks paw. And there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Paw: now hen, think it through- yi'll huve nae bairns if you go wi her. Although gien the looks as they Banks that no bad thing- who wants a bairn wi a heid like sausage?

Pretty: If I have no children it will keep my perfect body intact then. Just as Mirabella likes it.

Petty:

Pretty: Besides. This way I can find out where the coal scuttle is hid.

Paw: Ah I kent it. Ma wee floower widnae let us aw doon. So its a cunning rouse then is it? See Petty- yir a bloody idiot. Gettin gir maw aw in a tiz oe'er this, dragging me tae this godforsken, near buckieless place in a panic. Ah shouldnae ever doubted yi Pretty.

Petty :Its only near biuckieless cause youve drunk it all since you got here and been bathing in it! I dunno how I'm going to explain it to Queen Tin. Ouch! How do you do that from a bath on the other side of the room? Ouch! Stop it! {{{and you are a lying wee harlot Pretty - this has nothing to do with the scuttle its just your carnal urges as usual}}}

Pretty: {{And if you say a word to paw otherwise Petty you'll be wearing your manhood as novelty earings}}}

Paw: so yi marry this wee naff o' a Banks, get the scutle back, find oot some salicous sauce scandal on 'em and then we ruin em once fir all then? Thats ma girl.

Petty {{Oh dear this is not going to work out well at all}}

PAw: Yi there Petty? Whit yi daeing wi a black face an smoke cumming aff yi laddie?

Petty: You blew up my barrel Paw. With me in it.

Paw: Bloody right a did lad. Yi wis gitting above yir self there. There wis a jacuzzi in it.

Petty: I know. I was in it at the time.

Paw: An whits come o yir accent laddie. Whits wi a the posh natter?

Petty: Forumshire is a very cosmopolitian place paw. If I talk in my accent nobody knows what I am saying.

Paw: Thats whit an accents fir yi dunderheid. Bit first tae busness- gie us a barrel o buckie.

Petty: This buckie isn't mine paw its Queen Tins.

Paw: An is yon Queen o yirs here right noo an about tae fetch yi a clip roon the lughole that'll still be ringing in a week? Naw she's no- so gies us the barrel.

Petty : Yes paw.

Paw: Right. Wu've goat a proablem. Yon Odo Banks fella is noo tae be foond- there wis some wee squinty faced tosspot at his hole makin' excuses fir him.

Petty: Ah that will be Orwell. -ouch- What was that for?

Paw: Talkin when A'm a thinking. Noo wheesht ladddie. Noo Pretty, bless her wee soul, hus gone back intae the lions den.

Petty: Where? -ouch-

Paw: Thinking here. She's back wi yon Mirabella lassie, a got a wee swatch at her keeking ooot a windae.

Petty: Above Lothos' place?

Paw: so yi knew? Yi knew yir sister wis staying on a second flair? And' yi jist let her? Why I ought tae gi whit fir. Second flair, thats even worse than living up the rear hole. Think o yir poor maw if she heard her wee rose wis living upstairs- wi'd never live it doon.

Petty: Well at least I live, well lived, in a proper barrel.

Paw: Oh aye, saw yirself aright yi did but let yir aen sister live like that. Yir a selfish wee bawbag Petty, a'v e always said so.

Petty: Aye well thats true enough, you have. But I don't see how this is my fault its Pretty's fault.- OUCH - Gonnae noo dae that?- OWWW-

Paw: O course its yir fault Petty. Its aye yir fault. Yir the brother, she's the sister. Yir meant tae take care o her- she's jist a wee defenceless lassie efter all.

Petty: ok. ok. So what we going to do about the siuation?

Paw: twa options laddie. Either wee swally oor pride...

Petty: We're Tyrants we dont have any pride and th eonly thing we know how to swally is buckie.

Paw: Fair point laddie.. so wi bribe, blackmail, harass, an' generally make enough folks lives hell tae make sure this wedding disnae go oan- lean oan the priest of Eru tae no conduct the ceremony that sort o thing.

Petty: I dont think that will work Paw, and besides I live here now I dont want to upset everyone here- at least not in any way they might know it was me! Whats the second option?

Paw: Ah disown the baith yi, exile yi frae the Tyrant clan and go hame and break yir mithers heart. Obviously if thats happens the blame will all be yirs.

Petty: Why mine. -ouch-

Paw: Cause I say so. Noo if you didnae want exiled a suggest yi get aff yer erse get oot there and start distrupting things. Or huve yi forgot how tae dae that an aw noo yir all posh? An lee the buckie here when yi go oot.

Pettty: No Paw. Yes Paw. And while I'm out Paw- is there any chance you could go a bit easier on the Queens buckie? Shes bound to notice sooner or later.- OWWW-

These Forumshire Episodes we're having lately seem to lack some of the proper ingredients! Consistency, coherence and co-operation vetween events as they happen... Oh yes, and Petty's Scots acccent is so unauthentic it's not funny. I wonder if Forumshire has become a multi-dimensional mutli-faceted kind of place? Bloody Who-like that! It's like Who is taking over the place!


{{{ }}}

Petty: I hate these new fangled palantir things. Hello!! Pretty you there? You're upside down? Hell am I upside down again? You know how embarrising that can be in a kilt.

Pretty: You've got the palantir the wrong way up you fool.

Petty: Its a !*@#! ball it doesn't have 'top' written on it- it bloody should have though- right there we go.

Pretty: What do you want Petty- I was in the jacuzzi with...

Petty: Enough detail already! We need to talk about this wedding. You cannot do it- Paws threatening to exile me.

Pretty: Good for him, I said he should have done it years ago.

Petty: This is serious. If you have this wedding you know Maw will come for it.

Pretty: Good we can go dancing.

Petty: No way. Not after last time. You might be able to pull of hotpants and a boob tube but Maw definetly can't.

Pretty: You are such a prude.

Petty: I am not she looked like a walrus caught in a net being jabbed with a cattle prod. But if Maw comes she might bring Granpaw with her.

Pretty:

Petty: Hadn't thought of that had you?

Pretty: He used to carry me about by the hair.

Petty: Yeah well you always were his favourite. Better than what he carried me about by.

Pretty: That's true. But I don't care- even if Grandpaw does come I am marrying Mirabella and you and Paw are just going to have to lump it.

Petty: You told Paw you were only going to do it to get the coal scuttle back.

Pretty: So? By the time he finds out I'm not it will be too late. And you know he can't stay mad at me for anytime. I have him wrapped right round my finger. He has no idea I'd ever lie to him which is why it is so easy to lie to him.

Petty: You are a devious little !@#!

Pretty: You are so lucky youre on the other side of this palantir Petty. If this is all you have to say goodbye. I can hear Mirabella splashing about, probaly lost the soap again I'd better go help her find it.

{{{{{And lets see, how does this work- stop recording- job done Thankyou Bear Muirdock and Pure Publications! Wait till Paw hears the edited highlights of that then!}}}}}

{{{I knew this Crystal Ball with Editor I bought off the Wicked Witch of the West would come in useful one day.. Now, if I just tweak Petty and Pretty's convesation, so, and so... Yes, Petty is going to be in for it... I'll deal with this silly Wedding later. First - Petty! Hee hee! I will have to deal with Paw somehow too... At least while I'm hiding here he can't get me. I hope... It'll give me time to work something out.. I hope... Actually, I really should stop talking to myself like this - though at least I have the sense to encrypt it! }}}

sniff sniff- thats not my encryption smell theres no hint of buckie to it. It smells...-sniff-sniff- a bit smug somehow.

Smug? Well, as a Shiriff, I would suggest this has the reek of the Media then. Always hanging around sniffing into other people's affairs, and inventing their own stinks when they can't sniff out legitimate stinks!

Mmmm well its true things have got a bit smug at the award winning Pure Publications since they won their award. I am probably just being over cautious Mirabella.

Of course! Silly old me! While an exciting time, it's also a pressurized time for all of us. And, on top of that, you are known for your strange fancies!

Pretty: Petty! Are you here?

Petty:

Pretty: PETTY! WAKE UP! I need to talk to you.

Petty: Whit, whit is it? Paw got more dynamite?

Pretty: Oh Petty!

Petty: Whoa- get back, get away frae me. Whats the matter with you? Whats that stuff coming out your eyes?

Pretty: I'm crying Petty!

Petty: You? But you're a careful balance of barely repressed sexual tension and psychotic violence- you don't do crying. You didn't even cry that time I put your best heels in the horse manure and set fire to it.

Pretty: I need a hug.

Petty: Get back!! Here, you can hug this coat stand if you must hug something. Blimey! Whats brought this on then?

Pretty: Its Mirry.

Petty: I knew it, getting in with they Bankses was never going end in anything but tears.

Pretty:

Petty: All right! All right! Wheesht woman, that wailing fairs nips my heid. So what's the problem with Mirabella?

Pretty: Anyone would think there was only one bride at this wedding. She has her own wedding thread, and all her dresses and makeup and I.... ...it like she has forgotten all about me and the wedding day is more important......

Petty: Stop that now. Oh help ma boab. You know I'm no good at this sort of thing Pretty, I am to releationship counciling what buckie is to sexual performance. Can you not go do this at Paw?

Pretty: He'll just tell me its because she is a Banks and not to marry her...and I love her Petty .....its just, I feel left out of my own wedding...

Petty: Well what do you want me to do about it?

Pretty: I don't know!

Petty : Oh good. I know what will help!

Pretty: Really Petty?

Petty: yeah, but it wont work if you see the suprise so turn your back a sec {{{nine iron should do it I reckon, maybe the driver?- nah too much, nine iron}}}---THUNK----

Pretty:

Petty: There. That's better.

Petty:

Paw: Petty! Git up!

Petty: Whit the bloody hell is it now! Bugger aff! Paw!- OWWW!

Paw: Whits yer sister daein' lyin' oan the flair unconcious?

Petty: She was having an emotion Paw.

Paw: Hit her wi a a club did yi?

Petty: Aye. Nine Iron. -Ouch- What was that for?

Paw: That's never a nine iron shot! Thats a driver fir that yi bloody idiot. So she was upset wis she?

Petty: Aye, oe'r the wedding.

Paw: So its aff then is it? Yi sorted it efter all. Good lad.

Petty: Um, not quite off, no.

Paw: Meaning?

Petty: That its still, kind of, very much, still on.

Paw:

Petty: But wait! I have a plan in motion! And I've petioned the Queen herself to call a halt to it.

Paw: An will she dae it?

Petty: Maybe, if you don't drink all her buckie first-OOWW- maybe just go a wee bit easier on it- OOWW- you could have fewer Buckie baths, its not like at home here, it doesnt come out the taps-OWW-

Paw: Talkin o buckie- A thought yi wire supposed to be Guardian o it? Yir big posh joab?

Petty: I am, well when you're not here.

Paw: So how come when A wis huving ma third buckie bath o the day a dirty great mutt came sniffing aboot? Dug hair near the buckie? Some Guardian yi ur.

Petty: Huan found you? Umm, where is he now?

Paw: Safe.

Petty: Good.

Paw: A stuffed him in a buckie barrel.

Petty: Is he...deid?

Paw: Naw course noo. He pit up a fair fight, he deserved tae live. I jist hud a wee wrestle way him, he'll be howling soprano fir a bit mind.

Petty: But Paw that wis Huan- Queen Tinuviel and Berens' dug. Thats the fiercest dug in all Valinor.

Paw: Is he noo? Well he's also the maist squished dug in all Valinor the noo- it wisnae a big barrel.

Petty: Queen Tin's going to kill me, if I'm lucky, then Beren's going to kill me again.

Paw: Well if yir that bothered yi'd better go an let him oot. Doubt he'll be in the best o moods though laddie.

Petty: Ah bugger it.

Petty: Paw! Have you heard the news?

Paw: Whit the hell happened to yi laddie? Is yer Granpaw here?

Petty: No.

Paw: Is yir Maw here!

Petty: No, I got caught in a geyser.

Paw: Why yi filthy litlle !@!@* I'll soon beat that oot o ya.

Petty: No! -owww- not a gezzer a geyser- owww- you know, hot, explode up your kilt thing.

Paw: Thats whit am on aboot yi disgustin beast yi!

Petty: Look forget about the geyser.

Paw: A'm trying tae!

Patty: The NotP are running a scandal filled story about Pretty- there's no way Odo will let Mirabella still marry her once they here about her past, if she even still wants to.

Paw: And how does the papir ken aboot yir sisters past?

Petty: I told them- but dont tell anyone- Owwww- owww- what? its what you wanted.

Paw: I wanted it stoapped yi stupid wee !&@! noo ooor name dragged through the mud! Cime ere and I'll gie gud reason fir needing yon bandages.

Petty: Oww, owwww!

{{{Speaking to Self: Must say, this new palantir-interceptor is very useful. Verrrry useful... Though it would be much better if those Scotshobbiton bastards spoke proper Forumshiran and not their ridiculous Scotshobbit dialect... So hard to unravel... If it was Kimberlayan it'd be easier for me, I know that much. Mind, it's worth the listening... hee hee.... Petty does deserve all he gets... I must be vigilant though - and continue to work toward a successful wedding... Yes, preciouss, I do. Lovely girl that Mirabella. Deserves to find happiness after the way Petty treated her all those (Forumshire) years ago.. The bastard! }}}

-Knock- knock-

Petty - .......

-knock- knock-

Petty- ....what the?

-KNOCK-KNOCK-

Petty- ok. I'm coming, just let me get my kilt on over these bandages.....what is it?

messenger: Palantir message for Mr Tyrant. Sign here.

Petty- Fine- give it here...right now bugger off.....mmm whats this about then?..... Um Paw! Paw!

Paw - ....whit?

Petty: Oww- what was that for?

Paw: Waking me. Noo whit it is it?

Petty: I just got a message, from Scotsdale, from Maw. Owwww. What was that for?

Paw: Waking me up wi bad news.

Petty: You might not like the next bit then. Oww. And what was that one for?

Paw: Presumption. Jist tell us whit is says laddie.

Petty: It says.......Granpaw is on his way. Owwww!

Paw: An' before yi ask thats fir gieing me mair bad news.

Petty: Well I said you wouldn't like it. Owww.

Paw: An' thats fir being smart.

{{{




Granpaw?

I wonder who he is?

... And I wonder why I'm getting the audio okay, but not the right pictures? Bloody cheap imported crap... }}}

Petty: Well Paw. Its time to take the bandages off. Be honest, what do you think? How bad is it?

Paw: .......... .........

Petty: Well? Come on?

Paw: That's a hell o a stare yive got there laddie. Gonnie jist look awa', maybe at the wa' or something. Gonnie?

Petty: It can't be that bad?

Paw: Are yi wearing makeup laddie?

I can live with the make-up - but is that hat a living part of you?

Until all my hair grows back-yes!

I see...

Paw-- Whit the hell is this aboot laddie?

Petty- I need some advice Paw.

Paw- Fine. Ask yir Mither.

Maw- Ask yer faither.

Petty- I was hoping to ask both of you....OW! What was that for.

Paw- Getting me oot the pub fir this.

Petty- But I didnt. You were already home.

Paw- Aye and whit if I hud been in the pub eh? Then I wud huv had tae come hame frae the pub. An it'd be yur fault.

Petty -Ow! What was that for?

Paw- Making me think aboot it again. And where's yer sister got tae?

Petty- She's still in the Lockholes.

Paw-Thats ma girl!

Maw- Whit is it yi want advice oan son?

Petty - Right. I seem to have offended someone.

Paw- Nay wunder, huve you taken a keek at yerself in a mirror lately? Whits way yon but ugly mark?

Petty - What ugly mark?

Maw- Thats his heid Faither.

Paw- Is it? Weel its offending me, get it aff.

Petty - Owwwwww! It doesnae come aff Paw. Let go!!!

Maw- Pettyy dear, who wis it yi offended?

Petty - A lassie, Owww!

Paw- Whit huve a telt yi aboot pulling lasses hair?

Petty - I didnt pull her hair. Ow!!! What was that for?

Paw- Pullin' her something else.

Petty - I didnt pull anything.

Maw- I beleive yi son. Yo never could pull oanything.

Paw- Its cause he talks like a posh southern jessie.

Petty- I told you before Paw, ifI speak in Scots all the time no one understand me. OOW!

Paw- Thats fir slighting yer heritage.

Petty- Look are going to give me any advice or not?

Paw- Aye awright then, haud on I'll fetch ma belt.

Petty- I dont need that sort of advice!

Paw- Yi aways need that sort of advice Petty.

Maw- Tell us whit yi said to the lassie Petty.

Petty- Well I was telling this story... ow!

Paw- Thats fir telling tales.

Petty- No that sort of tale Paw- it was a proper story- with characters and a plot and everything. OWW!!

Paw- That fir acting smart. Wits wrang wi jist getting pished and falling doon like yir forefathers? Noo gud enough fir yi?

Maw- Tell us whit you said aboot her.

Petty- Well it wasnt about her really, just the character. All I did was make a joke about, you know, womens saggy bits as they get older.

Paw- Mither,leave the hoose. I'll no huve you hearing this kind of thing frae yir ain son.

Petty -But it was only a bit of observational humour Paw.

Paw- And this will oanly be a bit o' an observational kicking ma lad!

Do you have a brother called "Bender" ? He's in the "Breakfast Club", you both have the same sorta dad ?

Do you have a brother called "Bender"-Azriel

 

Just a sister, called Pretty, unfortunately. On the plus side Eldo has her safely put away in the Lockholes- before your time I believe, after her marriage with Sherriff Mirebella Banks fell through she went, well some might call it off the rails, some might say a bit nuts, some would say pschyo, I say she was acting perfectly normal for my sis!
Anyway she tried to take over the forum- so naturally Eldo put her in the Lockholes and threw away the key. I hope.

And everyone in Scotsdale has a paw like paw.  


Whats a breakfast club? Is that not just a pub?

sorry Petty, the shock at having ( sshh ! Summer!  ) adled my brain a tad. "The beakfast Club" is a film, about a load of reptiles... er I mean teenagers! that have an after school detention, & its the dumb arse stuff they get up to.
Sadly, there's lots of things "before my past"...youth being one of them !  

the shock at having ( sshh ! Summer! ) adled my brain a tad- Azriel

Sunshine does that to me too.  I need drizzle and mist!

I think Ally might have seen Breakfast club.  

And be glad Pretty is in the past- fierce lass.  and the apple of Paws eye- she can do no wrong in his eyes.  

Paw: PETTY!

Petty: Whit is it, a'm in the jacuzzi?

Paw: Huve yi poot oany watir intae it this time?

Petty: Naw! Jist buckie. But its the Queens ain rasberry buckie so it maikes me smell aw nice. Fruity like.  

Paw: It mikes yi smell like a giant poof yi mean.  

Petty: Paw!   Yi cannae say things like that oany mair?

Paw: Whit? Giant? Didnae tell me they tall uns are getting uppity like aw they short arses dae about whit yi call em?  

Petty: Dear Eru.   Yi cannae say oanne aw that nooadays Paw, and yi cannae call them poofs.

Paw: Then whit dae a call them?   Sausage smugglers?

Petty: Naw!  

Paw: Shirt lifters?

Petty: Noo that either?  

Paw: Shit stabbers?

Petty:   Definitely noo!

Paw: Backdoor bandits?

Petty: They didnae wear masks Paw.  

Paw: So whit dae a call them smart arse?

Petty: Um, nothing, there just people.

Paw: Didnae be daft laddie, if they were jist people they widnae be called poofs wid they? Stands to reason.  

Petty: Ooh I gie up. Call them whit yi like.

Paw: A wis goan tae onyways. Noo git oot aw yon jacuzzi and get in here. Whit it is yi wanted?

-some bad singing and splashing later-

Petty: I wanted yer advice Paw.

Paw: Is is it aboot yir sister Pretty? Are they goanne let her oot o' yon Lockholes and yir scared she'll kick yer baws frae here tae Valinor an back fir no getting her oot?  

Petty: Naw its noo aboot Pretty. Ah think they've aw forgotten aw aboot her tae be honest wi yi.  

Pa: Whit?   Mae wee darling Pretty?   Mae bairn, the apple o her faithers eye?   Right that's it, I'm going ott right noo tae gie that Odo Banks a right good malkying.  

Petty: Whit? Whits Odo got tae dae wi this?

Paw: Does it matter lad?

Pettty: Jist sit yer arse back doon an have a buckie a minute.

Paw: So if its noo fir yir sister and its noo tae gie ole Odo a quick Kiss in the dark, whits is it aboot?

Petty: Me Paw.

Paw:   A'm off.

Petty: Paw! Come oan sit down, a need tae ask yer advice.

Paw: Aw right, jist this wance, but didnae tell yer mither. Yi ken how she gits when I dae things aff ma ain back.

Petty: Well normally she does huve a point Paw, I mean last time yi had that scheme yi said wid get yir hunds on millions overnight.

Paw: That wid ah worked tae, if it hudnae been fir that one wee snag.  

Petty: Whit, yi mean that the millions o' pounds were in the Bank of Scotland?

Paw: Forgot aw that, lets git this ower wi, whit it this aw aboot?

Petty: Its this years Awards Ceremony Paw.

Paw: Aye, yi dae it every year, so whit? Didnae yi start getting big fer boots laddie or A'll gi yi whit fir wi the toe aw ma boot.  

Petty: Nae Paw, I'm no getting a big heid oer this, quite the opposite, am shitting bricks Paw, fair touching kilt.

Paw: Bit yi dae it every year, yi aye look forward tae it?  

Petty: Aye, I do, but thats jist it, every year its got tae be better than last years, an' every year A've used up mair and mair ideas. How can I keep making it better Paw?

Paw: Didnae talk shit fir a start lad, last years show was noo a a patch on the years afore.

Petty: Hey! There wis a loads a new stuff last year, an' there wis aw the red carpet stuff, an Pure Publications were there.

Paw: Aye, same as they wir the year afore too.  

Petty Where they? Yi see? Iv'e already used stuff twice! Whit am I going tae dae?   An there was aw that controversy last year.

Paw: Whit controversy?

Petty: You know, wi, Mrs Figg. She pulled oot the competion and then won it oanyway.

Paw: Aye, that lass shud aw been a politician.  

Petty: Paw! I dont think it wis a publicity stunt, she really meant it, and she probably disnae even like me bringin it up noo, even though there's oanly you and I here, I can still hear her grinding her teeth oanyway   so leave it. But ma point is, I'm a wee bit stressed an' there still oe'er three months tae go.

Paw: Huve yi tried drinking mair buckie?  

Petty: I jist got oot a jacuzzi aw buckie Paw, wid dae yi think?

Paw: Whit aboot getting a right bit of crabbit goaing? Coom oan wi cun still get ole Oodo an' huve a good stooshy.  

Petty: Naw Paw. I need some advice fir whit tae dae aboot this years show.

Paw: Why dinnae yi dae whit yi dae every other year? Panic aboot it, drink tae much and then cobble it aw together at the last minute in a blind drunken panic?  

Petty: Aye, a suspect I will Paw.  

Paw: Right, there still buckie in that bath laddie?

Petty: Aye Paw.

Paw: Gud. I cud dae wi a drink, I mean wash.