Jack

3 posters

Go down

Jack Empty Jack

Post by Orwell Sun Aug 14, 2011 1:12 am

EDIT


Last edited by Orwell on Sat Oct 15, 2011 7:56 am; edited 1 time in total
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Kafria Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:54 pm

Made me smile to see this again, loved re-reading it!

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:26 am

Thanks, Kafria. I have a jaundiced view of it, having tried to "improve" it so many times. Reading it again, I thought, I need to view old copies and see if I actually did it better about a hundred edits ago. Rolling Eyes The rest of the book is less edited (not that it doesn't need it) so I feel better about it.

Are you up for Chapter Two, do you think, or would that be too pushy? Question

(Read it twice! Shocked Oh my Gawd, that does make me feel better about this often anal writing business that I both love and hate - yesss preciousss! Smile )


Last edited by Orwell on Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:33 am; edited 1 time in total

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Kafria Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:30 am

Definately love to see chapter two Very Happy

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:35 am

EDIT


Last edited by Orwell on Sat Oct 15, 2011 7:56 am; edited 1 time in total

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Kafria Wed Aug 17, 2011 2:04 am

Fab! I love the otherworldness that inhabits this tale and makes me grin as I read. It has that indefinable fariy tale quality to it, while still being real enough that you get involved in the story.

Can't wait to find out what calamities Jacks prescence will bring (and part of me wonders if his parents will have a part to play in the tale too? Smile )

Thanks for posting!

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty This is a great story, Orwell!

Post by The Wobbit A Parody Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:59 pm

Orwell-

I enjoyed Chapter One! Here's some details.

Your imagery is great:
1) Rain bucketed down.
2) “Where am I?” he asked aloud, but received no answer.
3) And then he took a pee in the stream, enjoying one of life’s small pleasures. Life just then seemed nothing short of miraculous. [I've never done this, but you make it sound great!]
4) [Loved your description of the mechanical bee!]
5) Well, Uncle Jugg was left out in the moonlight, silly! Gnomes turn into stone if they get caught in the moonlight. Don’t you know anything?”

It was fun to run into elements that we apparently both enjoyed from The Hobbit. This is ALWAYS a good thing!
1) Struck by lightning! He had been struck by lightning!
2) for this forest was queer, what with giant bees, uncanny blue-green rocks and queer squealing voices. [Your language sounds wonderfully JRRT.]
3) “Where on Earth am I?” he exclaimed. And well he might! For below him the first thing he noticed was seven gigantic rats. Yes, giant rats! [I like when JRRT and you address the reader directly. My favorite intelligent rat story is Return To Lankhmar by Fritz Leiber, one of his Fafhrd & The Grey Mouser tales.]
4) Jack grabbed a handful of stones from his pocket and pressed his advantage. Being a good shot, several rats felt the nasty sting of stones hitting their scrawny bodies. [I like that your stone throwing is more realistic than JRRT's, in that it's more harassment than lethal combat.]
5) “What am I?” Jack said as he grabbed his Swiss Army knife out of his back pocket (he had borrowed the knife from Father Paolo’s collection of confiscated items months ago) and began to cut away the net. [A Swiss Army knife, just like in The Hobbit! No, wait, that's in The Wobbit. Swiss Army knives are the BEST.]

I was a 13-year-old boy 38 years ago. From what little I can remember, Jack's thoughts and dialogue (when compared with mine) are very genuine.
1) And then he grinned suddenly. “This is great!”
2) For if ever a boy was so unwise as to tell one of these particular girls that she looked pretty, she was likely as not to punch him, and then run off accusing him of being a big fat tease. And if a boy said that he didn’t think she was that pretty - she would likely burst into tears and run away - usually after punching him even harder.
4) “I’m not a Purple Pygmy Giant,” he blurted, not wanting to be thought of as a pygmy anything. [It's worse than being called "cute."]

Your foreshadowing is delightfully creepy.
1) In the middle of the clearing, partly hidden in the grass, was the most interesting rock the boy had ever seen.
2) After all, children weren’t dangerous. [Of COURSE they aren't!]
3) “Left him out” - what could that mean?

You're funny, Orwell! Especially these items.
1)“This can’t really be happening,” Jack muttered. “I was struck by lightning and now I’ve gone crazy.” What other explanation was there?
2) “Don’t be frightened,” Jack said. “I won’t hurt you.” “Yes you will,” a fraught female voice squeaked. “No I won’t,” Jack said reassuringly. “Yes you will.” “No I won’t.” “Yes you will.” “I said, ‘No, I won’t’, and I won’t,” Jack retorted, getting a bit annoyed. After a brief pause, the creature said: “Yes you will!” Jack smiled. “How absurd is this?” [Absurd indeed!]
3) “You’re not from around here are you?” “No, I don’t think so.”
4) the rats’ pointy sticks. [Monty Python! Although I don't think they have exclusive rights to the "pointed sticks" concept. Love it.]
5) Touch a gargoyle in a storm, Find yourself transported, To a land beyond the void, Remember! It’s important!” [Hilarious, and nicely executed! I hope you do more poetry!]
6) “How’s that then?” Jack said. [I like this gag. I use it in The Wobbit a lot.\]

Again, this is a great story! Please be patient with my dopey laundry-list feedback. It's not very literary of me, but it's easier than writing real paragraphs. I look forward to reading Chapter Two after I work on my resume a little. My current "day job" ends in a couple of months, and selling 20 copies of The Wobbit a month won't pay my mortgage. If only I could get sales up to 20 THOUSAND a month...

-Paul

The Wobbit A Parody
The Wobbit A Parody
Ringwinner

Posts : 244
Join date : 2011-06-07
Location : Chicago

http://thewobbitaparody.com

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:10 am

Kafria wrote:Fab! I love the otherworldness that inhabits this tale and makes me grin as I read. It has that indefinable fariy tale quality to it, while still being real enough that you get involved in the story.

Can't wait to find out what calamities Jacks prescence will bring (and part of me wonders if his parents will have a part to play in the tale too? Smile )

Thanks for posting!

My goodness! You sound like you deserve more! Fancygiving me praise like that! Shocked and my head tending to be big and my personality "pompous" as it is! You may have created a Monster (err... a more monstrous monster! Very Happy )

Btw - thanks for the encouragement Kafria!

I haven't quite got to your tale yet --- been busy and I try not to read things if I'm preoccupied, tired or ill, as I get negative to easily, and often unwarrantedly. I like to read in the right frame of mind so as to give people's writings a fair go. I hope the preceding makes sense - my method stems from a desire to be respectful of the work of others. I plan to read Wonderland in the next day or so. Very Happy


Last edited by Orwell on Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:16 am; edited 1 time in total

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:14 am

The Wobbit A Parody wrote:Orwell-

I enjoyed Chapter One! Here's some details.

Your imagery is great:
1) Rain bucketed down.
2) “Where am I?” he asked aloud, but received no answer.
3) And then he took a pee in the stream, enjoying one of life’s small pleasures. Life just then seemed nothing short of miraculous. [I've never done this, but you make it sound great!]
4) [Loved your description of the mechanical bee!]
5) Well, Uncle Jugg was left out in the moonlight, silly! Gnomes turn into stone if they get caught in the moonlight. Don’t you know anything?”

It was fun to run into elements that we apparently both enjoyed from The Hobbit. This is ALWAYS a good thing!
1) Struck by lightning! He had been struck by lightning!
2) for this forest was queer, what with giant bees, uncanny blue-green rocks and queer squealing voices. [Your language sounds wonderfully JRRT.]
3) “Where on Earth am I?” he exclaimed. And well he might! For below him the first thing he noticed was seven gigantic rats. Yes, giant rats! [I like when JRRT and you address the reader directly. My favorite intelligent rat story is Return To Lankhmar by Fritz Leiber, one of his Fafhrd & The Grey Mouser tales.]
4) Jack grabbed a handful of stones from his pocket and pressed his advantage. Being a good shot, several rats felt the nasty sting of stones hitting their scrawny bodies. [I like that your stone throwing is more realistic than JRRT's, in that it's more harassment than lethal combat.]
5) “What am I?” Jack said as he grabbed his Swiss Army knife out of his back pocket (he had borrowed the knife from Father Paolo’s collection of confiscated items months ago) and began to cut away the net. [A Swiss Army knife, just like in The Hobbit! No, wait, that's in The Wobbit. Swiss Army knives are the BEST.]

I was a 13-year-old boy 38 years ago. From what little I can remember, Jack's thoughts and dialogue (when compared with mine) are very genuine.
1) And then he grinned suddenly. “This is great!”
2) For if ever a boy was so unwise as to tell one of these particular girls that she looked pretty, she was likely as not to punch him, and then run off accusing him of being a big fat tease. And if a boy said that he didn’t think she was that pretty - she would likely burst into tears and run away - usually after punching him even harder.
4) “I’m not a Purple Pygmy Giant,” he blurted, not wanting to be thought of as a pygmy anything. [It's worse than being called "cute."]

Your foreshadowing is delightfully creepy.
1) In the middle of the clearing, partly hidden in the grass, was the most interesting rock the boy had ever seen.
2) After all, children weren’t dangerous. [Of COURSE they aren't!]
3) “Left him out” - what could that mean?

You're funny, Orwell! Especially these items.
1)“This can’t really be happening,” Jack muttered. “I was struck by lightning and now I’ve gone crazy.” What other explanation was there?
2) “Don’t be frightened,” Jack said. “I won’t hurt you.” “Yes you will,” a fraught female voice squeaked. “No I won’t,” Jack said reassuringly. “Yes you will.” “No I won’t.” “Yes you will.” “I said, ‘No, I won’t’, and I won’t,” Jack retorted, getting a bit annoyed. After a brief pause, the creature said: “Yes you will!” Jack smiled. “How absurd is this?” [Absurd indeed!]
3) “You’re not from around here are you?” “No, I don’t think so.”
4) the rats’ pointy sticks. [Monty Python! Although I don't think they have exclusive rights to the "pointed sticks" concept. Love it.]
5) Touch a gargoyle in a storm, Find yourself transported, To a land beyond the void, Remember! It’s important!” [Hilarious, and nicely executed! I hope you do more poetry!]
6) “How’s that then?” Jack said. [I like this gag. I use it in The Wobbit a lot.\]

Again, this is a great story! Please be patient with my dopey laundry-list feedback. It's not very literary of me, but it's easier than writing real paragraphs. I look forward to reading Chapter Two after I work on my resume a little. My current "day job" ends in a couple of months, and selling 20 copies of The Wobbit a month won't pay my mortgage. If only I could get sales up to 20 THOUSAND a month...

-Paul


What can I say, Paul? Thanks for such positive (and detailed) input. I am now feeling even more guilty for not getting into Wobbit. For the same reasons I gave for not reading Kafria's last instalment of Wonderland yet, I have not got stuck into Wobbit. Your tale suffers from the fact it is a much larger work and so I need to devote a day or so to reading it. I read whole books in short periods of time, I'm not much of a little bit at a time reader - unless I get tales in instalments. If given a whole book, I like to sink my teeth in. I am on leave though, so in the next few days, I shall pay you the proper respect of sinking my teeth in.

Thanks again.


EDIT: Btw Paul, the last quarter of this book is stuffed quite tight with poetry (of sorts)! Also, this is a "Fairy Tale", both realistic and ridiculous, hopefully in the right balance. I put in the kinds of things I love, stitching them together as coherently as I could: poems, humour, insightfulness, and exciting adventure (I hope!) My influences show (or I hope they do!): Tolkien, Lewis, Monty Python, and (most of all) JacK Vance, but a million others too. I think of JACK as paying homage to what I love. I only hope other people love the kinds of "fantasy" elements that I love. I had great joy writing this book! Very Happy

"Pointy sticks" is Monty Python? All they were were pointy sticks -- but if Monty did something like it too, I surely don't mind! Very Happy


Last edited by Orwell on Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:57 am; edited 2 times in total

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:19 am

EDIT


Last edited by Orwell on Sat Oct 15, 2011 7:57 am; edited 1 time in total

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by The Wobbit A Parody Thu Aug 18, 2011 2:10 pm

Orwell wrote:

...I am now feeling even more guilty for not getting into Wobbit....I am on leave though, so in the next few days, I shall pay you the proper respect of sinking my teeth in.

Thanks again.


EDIT: Btw Paul, the last quarter of this book is stuffed quite tight with poetry (of sorts)! Also, this is a "Fairy Tale", both realistic and ridiculous, hopefully in the right balance. I put in the kinds of things I love, stitching them together as coherently as I could: poems, humour, insightfulness, and exciting adventure (I hope!) My influences show (or I hope they do!): Tolkien, Lewis, Monty Python, and (most of all) JacK Vance, but a million others too. I think of JACK as paying homage to what I love. I only hope other people love the kinds of "fantasy" elements that I love. I had great joy writing this book! Very Happy

"Pointy sticks" is Monty Python? All they were were pointy sticks -- but if Monty did something like it too, I surely don't mind! Very Happy

Orwell-

I'm glad you like the feedback! Don't worry about delays in reading The Wobbit. People aren't lining up to post reviews to Amazon (only two on Amazon US, both family members, and none on Amazon UK), so you won't miss your chance. I think you'll enjoy the book, though. Our comedy interests are very similar. By the way, my "pointed sticks" comment was more about me than you. It would remind me and three friends in Chicago of Monty Python, that's all. The way you use it is funny and I like it.

Chapter Two today! I look forward to more poetry.

-Paul
The Wobbit A Parody
The Wobbit A Parody
Ringwinner

Posts : 244
Join date : 2011-06-07
Location : Chicago

http://thewobbitaparody.com

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:46 pm

Thanks Paul. As to the poetry, there are bits and pieces throughout the book (which is in four parts), but not a lot more in this "part" (book 1) until late, and when it comes there is a lot. I warn you though, it's in a sense NOT poetry at all. Think "channelling" in a way, only "different". This is a mischievous way to put it, but I think you'll understand once you get there (if you do, that is! Very Happy ). I don't want to offer "spoilers" of any sort.

I am interested by your analysis of Chapter 1. I suspect you have an Editorial eye for things, something I'm not so strong in, I'm an "ïdeas" kind of guy I guess, not a "methodical" guy so much. The latter is a necessary attribute if you want to write well I think, and I admire it, but it's hard for me, a real struggle. (One day I hope a publisher comes along with an editor who comprehends where I'm at and can smooth out the wrinkles in my writing - dream on! Very Happy )

As to your mention of my "lightning" bit. Funnily enough, it was not inspired at all by Bilbo's moment on the hearth rug. It was for me just Jack thinking about what had hapened to him. I was surprised by your mention of it, actually, and I can immediately see why you did, but I assure you it was a mere coincidence. Not that the similarity worries me. If we went looking far enough, I'm sure everything we write could be found somewhere else. This is where, I guess, writers "ideas" will always be open to scrutiny. While there is nothing new under the sun in my writing, I would hasten to proclaim that not a lot of what I write in JACK is directly predicated by what I've read, though some "borrowings" are definitely there, and deliberately - but only ever in homage, if you know what I mean. Some things may be copied "sub-consciously", I guess, but I hope all we writers can be forgiven that kind of thing.

I must admit your "deconstruction" of chapter one was both fascinating and slightly disturbing. Laughing I didn't know my writing employed so many "tricks of the writing trade". It's marvelous how you explicate them. I am only ever aware "vaguely" of writing "tricks" (I mean "techniques", I guess), and "rules" as well. I suppose this is why I'm a good "ideas" hobbit (how braggy I am!) but weak on "method". Indeed, whenever I try too hard to write "properly" I risk losing all interest. I love the flight of imagination, that's how I write, not the "sheer hard work, and attention to detail" part of writing - which is how I manage NOT to write. I do work hard too, but as I said, "method" is a real struggle. Other people I know find the "method" (rewriting, editing) side of things easier than getting things written down in the first place, for at least they're happy something's on the page to polish and refine like a craftsman. My head is full of ideas, whether good or bad, getting stuff down is rarely a problem. "Honing" ("working hard and concentrating") is hard for me, as I said. I guess I want to play not work.

Putting it that way, I guess I'm like Biffo digging for precious things in the Kimberleys, finding stuff to bring out is fun and exciting, but when it comes to cutting diamonds to perfect them from just the "potentiality" stage, well, frankly he has trouble, and no doubt would prefer a craftsman to bring that diamond up to it's fullest potential as a thing of beauty. Though I'm sure Biffo can do very reasonable craft work when pressed. (Sorry, Biffo, nothing personal).

Sorry about the stream of conciousness above, Paul, but your "review" has definitely got me thinking about things. study




_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Kafria Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:20 pm

Yeah! read the first half of this when it first went up, but didn't finish.
having finally found a bit of time to be here I have finished the latest chapter

Love the goblins, the pall of london and the anglo saxons reference, had me smiling and conjecturing!

Also the biology intrigued my too!

Love the images this brings up and the contrast between jacks pleasure in this new world and his frustration at the things he doesn't understand and the mistrust he is treated with!

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Jack Empty Re: Jack

Post by Orwell Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:13 pm

Thank you Kafria. I've always seen you as a classy Woman. And I really take no notice of your alter-ego btw, I'm sure with the right medication you can control Her better! Rolling Eyes

Mmm... maybe I'm not taking the most tactful approach here to advertise my book?

Anyhow, would you like to see Chapter Four?

Anyone....?

(As to "biology" Kafria, I've always wondered what kinds of "prejudices" might arise if, for instance, "whites" had to marry "blacks." Though Jack is not a political text - it's hopefully applicabilty not allegory).

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum