Wonderland - Kafria

+2
Pettytyrant101
Kafria
6 posters

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:00 pm

((Okay, deep breaths, you can be brave!))

So here is the opening chapter of the adaptation, although most of what's here is in the mini-series. This isn't quite where the miniseries began but felt like the most natural place to pick up in novel form. I did write a prologue, but it's fairly meaningless unless you have seen the series! - be nice, but constuctive comments on style, description etc would be appreiciated (reviewers seem unable to write more than, I like this, most of the time!)

Chapter one

RUN

Jack tensed as he read the message on his sleek mobile phone. His time was up!
“What’s up?” He turned to face the girl sat at the dining table behind him. Piercing brown eyes regarded him with mild concern. Alice! The key to everything and now he was out of time. Jack tried to think, he couldn't let all the months of planning come to nothing. Caterpillar trusted him to bring her back.
Jack was dashing and self-confident, with charm by the bucket load. He didn't need it to get what he wanted in life, his position and power made sure he rarely had to do without anything he desired, but it helped grease the wheels. In fact, it was the reason he was stood here now. He felt a pang of remorse, but swiftly pushed it away. He wanted Alice to stay with him once this was all over, it didn't matter that they hadn't met by chance as she believed.
“Nothing!” Jack kept smiling, unwilling to break the spell of a beautiful evening. He’d been uncharacteristically nervous this evening before meeting Alice’s mother, not just for the plan, but also for himself. It was important to him that she liked him too. Alice was waiting for him to continue. He needed more time to set this up, but now time was a luxury he didn’t have. “How would you like to meet my family?” he asked.
“Oh, are they coming to town?” she asked, her mind still on the text he’d received.
“No, we’d have to go there.”
Alice started slightly; as if she was surprised he wanted to make a special trip. She considered for a minute before answering. “Okay, when?”
‘Now!’ thought Jack, instead he answered, “How about tonight?” in the same conversational tone. It was a bit out of the blue, but they had spent a lot of time together over the last six weeks. Jack was sure she would agree with a little persuasion.
“Are you crazy?” Alice demanded as her face tensed, her eyes becoming wider, seeming a deeper brown. She stood, shifting her weight slightly from foot to foot as she observed him. She wasn’t happy with the suggestion.
“It’ll be an adventure. Some things are more exciting on the spur of the moment, don’t you think?” Jack tried, unwilling to believe that she would simply dismiss the idea. She meant a lot to him and he was sure his feelings were returned. She teased that he shared little about himself; this was her chance to find out.
“No. Not when they involve meeting your parents. Jack, I would have to get myself together….” As he realised she was nervous, shy even, he rushed to reassure her.
“Alice, you’re perfect as you are and we could be back by…Monday morning.” And she did look perfect this evening, her hair was down, except for the front sections, which she wore drawn up off her face and held with two unobtrusive grips. Her blue dress fitted snugly in all the right places and was saved from being too prim by the bright red tights and black boots she had teamed it with.
Alice hadn’t finished objecting yet, “But I know nothing about them. What if they don’t approve of me?"
Jack paused, contemplating what to say next when he had a flash of inspiration, the ring, he had it with him! He reached into his jacket and pulled out the small wooden case, as he approached, he told her “They’ll … uh…They’ll approve of you when they see you with this.” He stumbled over the words as a vision of Alice wearing his ring flashed before his eyes, bringing a lump to his throat. Standing behind her, he encircled her with his arms as he showed her, “It’s got a hidden catch.” With his hand over hers he touched the notch in the top and twisted the base clockwise, hearing the spring release, before he pulled off the top and revealed the ornate gold ring. Scrolls from the band flanked the large green stone that was its centrepiece. Jack released Alice’s hand and the box, lifting a piece of her hair to his mouth as she stared, mesmerised, at the ring.
“Wow, it looks really old.” Unconsciously Alice reached out a hand to touch the ring, enchanted by its beauty.
“It’s been in my family a very long time.” Jack told her, feeling a rush of pride as he thought of having Alice by his side.
His words snapped Alice out of her reverie. “Are you giving me this?” she demanded to know. Unwilling to declare himself till she knew the truth Jack ignored the question.
“Would you like to try it on?”
But she wasn’t to be deflected, “Jack, a ring means something. This is too fast.” The swift stab of rejection pierced his sanguine assurance that she would be leaving with him tonight. He gazed at her silently, without knowing what to say, smarting at her refusal. “No, it’s way too fast,” she declared when he remained silent. Her determined expression told him that it would be pointless to argue, so he tried a different tack, after all they needed her.
“Okay. I’m sorry I got the wrong idea, maybe after you’ve seen my home, met my friends.”
“No, I can’t come with you, Jack. Not tonight.” She told him with firmly, “Maybe we should just take it easy for a while. See how we feel in a few days and…” As the realisation that he had failed hit him Jack made one last attempt.
“Alice, I…”, but she wasn’t listening.
“Just…give me some time.” Alice walked over and opened the door, signalling the conversation was over. Jack followed slowly, as he thought about his options. He’d been discovered; he needed to get the ring safe until he could shake off the suits. As he reached the door he took a long look at Alice, who refused to meet his eye, before leaning over to give her a hug. As he pulled away from Alice’s stiff frame he dropped the box containing the ring into her pocket. “Goodbye Jack.” she said, closing the door.
He hesitated there for a few minutes, gathering his wits, before setting off warily into the darkened streets.

Shocked



Last edited by Kafria on Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:33 pm; edited 1 time in total

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:07 pm

You having nothing to worry about Kafria- I liked it!!!
I thought you paced it well, breaking up the dialogue with descriptive material works well, but there is always the danger if you overdo it that the reader has forgotten what the conversation was about when it returns to it, you avoid that very well whilst still painting a full vision of events.
Its a nice set up and leaves me wanting to know more, which is as good as it gets in terms of compliments from me!

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:11 pm

Glad you enjoyed it. Thought it was only fair I post an exert that I have added, that wasn't in the show for comparison. It is interesting trying to turn pictures back into words, but at least it has a clear direction, whereas making the imagined stuff fit is difficult. Mind you it does at least give a little more freedom!

Extracct from chapter 6

Jack stood for a moment, listening to the key turn in the lock behind him. Well, that confirmed it, he was in trouble. Brought back home and locked in his room like a naughty child. He’d been marched through the casino and up to his private apartment, now all it needed was for mother to come and tell him off.
The last time he’d been locked in his room was when he was ten and he’d run away to find the kingdom of the knights. He smiled at the memory of his excitement when the tutor had first told him the old stories, of the kingdom his mother destroyed. His expression became rueful, as he recollected the execution that had followed. Mother had insisted he watch, to make sure he understood what happened to anyone who displeased her, the Queen. No more outside tutors where allowed after that, only casino employees.
Jack strode across the lush carpeted floor to the huge canopied bed on the far side, where he paused. He felt restless and anxious, fingers tracing the silky covers as he thought. On the march through the casino he had noticed a number of stares, the nature of his escort a surprise to many of the employees. It seemed his disappearance and indiscretion had been kept quiet. Mother was a master of manipulating a situation to her advantage.
Clearly, the loss of the ring had been kept quiet, instead of being spread through the employees as was intended. Some excuse for his absence had been released to calm any jitters. The long habit of obedience without question would have been difficult for employees to break.
Jack stiffened as he heard the lock turn; he waited for his visitor to announce themselves.
“Jack?” came the quiet, compelling query.
Duchess. His playmate through childhood, until he realised even the simplicity of a friendship could be tainted by the Queen. He had learnt to guard his tongue and keep his feelings hidden. Adopting his arrogant mask he turned to face her.
“Duchess, my dear!” he answered warmly, walking towards her and lifting her hand to his mouth. He would take his cues from her.
She frowned, dissatisfied with this formal greeting, expecting something more. Jack noticed the frown and in one swift movement he straightened, moving his hands to her waist and giving her a kiss on the cheek.
He made himself smile as he added, “I wasn’t sure I would see you, given how I was frog marched back here.”
He held still, waiting for her response. When she didn’t respond at once he glanced down at the pampered blonde, in her revealing gold dress. She peered up at him through her lashes, her gaze calculating.
“What did you expect, gallivanting off through the glass to please yourself? You were meant to be here, with me,” she retorted, a note of petulance creeping into her voice.
Jack felt the familiar feelings of claustrophobia creeping up on him. Would he never have any freedom, would he always be watched and controlled?
“I didn’t expect to be hit on the head and dragged back, no better than one of the oysters. I can leave when I want. I don’t answer to you.” he replied, a note of anger creeping in to his voice.
“Well, you will soon and then you won’t be leaving again, my love. She’s making sure of that, she’s brought forward the wedding,” Duchess purred, a spiteful smile playing on her lips.
So that was it, he was to be tied to his watcher, controlled and neutralised. This was his mother’s punishment for refusing to do what she wanted. After all it was these plans for his future that had driven him to help the resistance. It was just like her to find a way to get what she wanted.
Time to play his part then, “Ah, they didn’t need to abduct me for that, if they’d told me I would have been straight back. Wouldn’t want to keep you waiting,” he added, gently stroking a finger under her chin.
He smiled at her and raised his eyebrows, mimicking anticipation. Duchess wasn’t fooled, suspicion sharpening her features. Jack tightened his arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace even as his mind recoiled from the close contact. She held herself stiff for a minute, before he felt her soften and heard her quiet sigh.
“Why do you distrust me so?” she asked plaintively, catching him by surprise. “All these years we’ve known each other, been each other’s only comfort. We could be happy together, if only you’d try.”
He considered this for a minute, it was true. Once he had been delighted at the idea of marrying her, and it wasn’t easy to lie to her now. But that was before he realised how she colluded with his mother, keeping him captive. He hardened his heart, he could act as well as she could.
“And we will be,” he told her. “I just wanted one last adventure before we settled down. Forgive me?” he asked, using his most winning smile as he released her a little. “I’ll make it up to you,” he added, tenderly.
“I’ll make sure you do,” she replied, a slightly threatening note in her voice. She looked up at his face, raising a hand to touch his cheek. Her gaze rose to his hair, her fingers following as she rubbed a few of the strands between her fingers.
“This is new,” she commented, “Do you like it? It seems a bit plain to me.”
“Oh, I’d forgotten all about that, it helps to blend in with the oysters,” Jack told her. He glanced down at his rumpled shirt before adding ruefully, “just like the clothes. I should probably freshen up. Then we should celebrate. Let’s have a toast with something special.”
Her lip twitched upwards, “What did you have in mind?” she inquired, eyes lighting up in anticipation.
“I’m sure there’ll be something special down in the cellars, I’ll get a grader sent up with the newest emotions,” he answered, returning her expression.
“I’ll do that, while you clean up. After all, you’re mine to take care of from now on,” she purred as she turned and sauntered away.
Jack suppressed the shiver her words prompted, watching the door close behind her, before turning to his dressing room. If he was to face down his mother he may as well look the part of the dutiful prince.



(I'm sure most can catch the reference to another favourite tale too!)


Last edited by Kafria on Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:14 pm

Had to add the best bit is I am constructing the draft as I go, adding each chapter to a document with the age size and font set to that of a paperback. Already got a cover, adding to contents as I go, it is really satifying watch it grow. (Now at around 70 pages!) Hope to print it when I'm done so I have it to read when I want!

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:06 am

I don't know the series and my googling did not help greatly. Queer business this, Kafria, queer indeed. And oysters - in Wonderland! - I have no idea what you might be alluding to (may as well add a Carpenter and a Walrus to confuse me even further, if that's your desire!)

Reminds me slightly of Billy Liar.

I especialy liked this:

Her blue dress fitted snugly in all the right places and was saved from being too prim by the bright red tights and black boots she had teamed it with.

I could go for a girl like that.

Also:

“I’m sure there’ll be something special down in the cellars, I’ll get a grader sent up with the newest emotions,”...

Superb - don't know why - but it is.

I must see more. At the moment I can't seem to find an anchor point, and yet, I'm intrigued.

(If this is based on a TV Series, it's a shame. Why not change names or something and make it your own?)

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Wisey Banks Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:27 am

"I send a grader to the cellar
when I'm talking to a fellow
i barely know," -

these are the words of Kafria
while travelling in an Africa
of mind-swept glow.

"Oh if I ever met a true lover
I would look for yet another
digging machine.

For emotions don't come cheaply,
Not shallow dug, placed neatly,
that's obscene.

If you want to see my true emotions,
You must first suppress the notion
I'm a blab,

For my emotions are for coping
And not at all for groping
in a cab."


"The Contradistinction of the Inner Self" by Kafria - had she but known it.

Channelled by
Wisey Banks




_________________
Dead in One Sense
Wisey Banks
Wisey Banks
Chief Forumshire Channeller

Posts : 257
Join date : 2011-02-14

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by The Wobbit A Parody Wed Jul 27, 2011 2:34 am

Kafria-

I want to know more about the oysters! The Walrus And The Carpenter is one of my favorite poems.

I know nothing about the series this is based on, but I'm a fan of Alice In Wonderland and I want to know more! Your writing seems very natural, especially the dialogue between Alice and Jack. And what's the deal with the ring?

Post more!

-Paul
The Wobbit A Parody
The Wobbit A Parody
Ringwinner

Posts : 244
Join date : 2011-06-07
Location : Chicago

http://thewobbitaparody.com

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Jul 27, 2011 2:37 am

The array of talent people display on here never ceases to amaze- gives one hope for the species.

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:25 pm

Thanks for the kind words, it is definately encouraging.

I am enjoying the challenge of trying to figure how things fit together, building on tiny hints, so the additions make sense within the story. I also seem to be writing far more notes, about character, timeline and mechanics of the world than I ever expected. I am hoping to use this as a learning experience to help define the steps so I can have a go at something original (although i have at least one sequel idea that is floating around and 2 other fandoms that I have short tales percolating in my brain, one thing at a time though!)

I have to confess that the dialogue between Jack and Alice is not mine it is lifted from the scene in the show, it was the second thing I wrote, with the scene watched a number of times as I do want to tell the story too.

(a few of the shifts felt hurried, almost as if they came from a book that had been adapted slightly clumsily, which is what suggested this as an idea in the first place.)

I have reached the time to insert the first scene I wrote, only to find it won't do and I am currently trying to rewrite it to fit with where the characters are and get both voices in, not one or the other (spent an hour writing the emotion/thought arc of the three characters already, but still want to include as much original dialogue as poss, it is a fairly key scene, with some iconic moments.)

As folk wish to know more I will add a new section, the only thing I am going to add at this point is that the story includes elements from both Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (Hence the Oysters) And where I am adding and need text/ names I am trying to use those two sources for inspiration.

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:31 pm

Chapter 2 (ie after the first section - the second extract is further into the tale)

Back in the apartment Alice stood staring at the closed door thinking hard. She sighed, trying to expel all of her tension with that one breath. She shook her head slowly as she turned and ambled across the room. As she reached the table she ran her fingers along the wood and took another steadying breath before lifting the glasses off the table and carrying them down the hall to the kitchen. In the small compact room she rinsed the glasses, in the industrial stainless steel sink, before placing them in the dishwasher. Her thoughts continued to ponder the recent events.
Where had that come from all of a sudden? Jack was charming and polite, the perfect gentleman. His short fair hair was just long enough to fall into eyes that crinkled when he smiled. He’d become a regular at her classes before joining her on a number of occasions to grab lunch or a coffee. He made her feel safe and cared for, she knew she could trust him and, until today, he hadn’t shown any sign of being unreliable or unpredictable.
Alice appreciated she was careful, even guarded with men. She also understood many men resented her boundaries, having suffered all the predictable insults through high school when she rebuffed the often clumsy advances of the boys around her. They didn’t see beyond their rejection to recognise the sadness that prompted her to behave that way. She kept her distance from girlfriends too; if no one got too close then she couldn’t get hurt when they let her down.
She’d learnt how much pain caring could cause very early, the night her father left and never came home. At first they had assumed it must be an accident of some sort, but over the days and weeks, with no sign, it became clear he had just gone. Alice waited, knowing he wouldn’t miss her birthday and when the phone rang that morning she had picked it up. She was crushed when, instead of “Hello Jellybean” in his deep, musical voice, she had heard her aunt wishing her happy birthday. Yet she didn’t give up hope, not until many birthdays, Christmases and endless other holidays had past and she stopped waiting. It hurt too much! Instead she got angry and that fire gave her the determination to find him and have some answers at long last.
But Jack was meant to be different, dependable, someone who she could trust, given time. And then he went and proved her wrong by acting like an impetuous fool. What had he been thinking? They had spent a lot of time together in the last few weeks and it was clear they both liked each other. His presence at the apartment tonight was testament to the fact she planned for a long future together, she didn’t introduce just anyone to her mother. Mother! What was she going to think?
Alice picked at the leftovers before sighing once more. She strolled back to the living room, her boots clunking on the hardwood floors and sank wearily into the faded couch. She lay back against the arm, lifting her feet off the floor and closing her eyes, trying to shut the conversation out of her mind. It wasn’t to be.
”Alice……Honey?” Her mother’s inquisitive voice preceded her, “Where’s Jack?”
“I asked him to leave.” Alice wished this would be enough, but experience told her it wouldn’t.
“I told you, kiss of death. Why this time?” her mother probed. Alice knew from experience it was best to get this over with and described Jacks suggestion and offering. As she suspected this wasn’t enough to end the conversation.
“So after weighing up all the unlikely pros with all the possible cons you just kicked him out!” her mother demanded to know.
“I don’t need a lecture.” Alice retorted, shaking her head.
Her mother rose from the chair she had occupied and perched on the table in front of her. “Alice, honey, just because Daddy left doesn’t mean they all will” she soothed quietly, but Alice didn’t want to talk about her father on top of everything else.
As she made to rise from the couch Alice felt a hard shape in her pocket. Confused, she pulled it out; the ring case. Alice felt a jolt of anger, how could he leave it, trick her into taking it? There was no way she was going to let him get away with this. She yanked open the door and rushed out without giving her mother chance to react.
Alice paused as she reached the street, and shivered. It was the sort of spring night you get when the temperature drops and the moisture invades the air. She couldn't see Jack as she looked up and down the street and she wasn't sure which direction he was headed. As she passed the end of the building she heard a grunt and automatically turned towards it. Facing her was the long narrow alley alongside the building. There were fire escapes and side doors leading onto it and rubbish piled up waiting to be collected. Sprinting down the alley towards the noise Alice peered ahead trying to find the source of the sound. She almost missed them, but as she passed a side alley her eye was caught by a couple of men by a white van with someone struggling between them. She recognised Jack’s short blond hair and blue shirt and ran towards the trio, yelling as she did.
As Alice advanced, Jack was caught by a blow to the head and went limp. His captors hurriedly threw him in the back of the van and raced to the front before speeding off, tyres screeching. Alice tried to follow through the alleys, but lost them quickly. Just as she slowed to a stop, knowing it was too late, she was surprised by a stranger who stepped from the shadows. She retreated warily as he slunk towards her.
The newcomer, his calculating grey eyes on a level with hers, blocked her way forward as he declared, “I'm afraid he's gone”. Alice studied him in return, noted his grey suit, a small pin badge of a white rabbit on his lapel, and how his long white hair was banded together in two bunches. He carried a cane and put Alice in mind of the upper class dandies you saw in old films, except his eyes were callous.
“Who are you?” She asked him, not really expecting a reply. He seemed accustomed to asking questions, not answering them, and judging by his confidence he was in the habit of being obeyed.
“A friend of Jacks. I'm here to help him.”
A shiver of fear iced down Alice’s back. This man was a friend to no one. Anxiety for Jack’s safety flooded her mind, all trace of anger about the ring forgotten. The only thought in her head was how to help him and to be of any assistance she first needed to know what kind of trouble he was in. “Then why didn't you? Who are those Guys?” she demanded, hoping he didn’t hear the catch in her throat. She drew in a steadying breath, holding his gaze as he began to advance towards her.
“Jack took something that didn't belong to him. We need it back,” he responded. Although he spoke softly, there was no mistaking the menace behind the words. He stepped towards Alice once more.
Intimidated, she retreated, as her thoughts flew to the ring still clutched in her hand. She couldn’t let on she had it. “What are you talking about?” she retorted. Her mind spun as she tried to make sense of this turn of events. Jack had told her the ring was a family heirloom; she couldn’t believe he would have stolen it. She needed to get it safe. Keeping her hands behind her back she carefully felt for the hidden catch.
“The ring, Alice,” he insisted softly, holding out a hand to take it from her.
“How do you know my name?” she asked reflexively, stunned that he knew who she was. What else did he know? She mentally shook herself, no time for that now, “Where have you taken Jack?”
“He's quite safe,” he replied, quite unperturbed by her demands and evasions. His assurance was beginning to irritate her.
“Then bring him back and let him tell me himself,” she snapped, as she finally got the ring out of the case and began to replace the lid.
“I'm afraid he's got to go back with me to face charges” he consoled her. Alice started; this was more serious than she thought. Her fingers stiffened and the lid of the case scrapped as she replaced it.
The squeak echoed around the silent alley and her captors eyes widened as he realised what it was. “So you do have it” he gloated as he snatched for her hidden hands.
Instinct from the years of training leapt to her defence as she dodged to the side, sending her attacker crashing into the wall behind. As he turned, she launched herself at him, grappling with his cane, which he used in an impressive counterattack. Her hands reached for the cane, but her grip was hampered by the case secreted in her hand. With surprising strength he knocked her to the floor and the ring bounced out of her grasp and down the alley. The movement caught her attacker’s eye and, taking advantage of her prone position, he raced forward, stooping to retrieve the case before fleeing further into the back streets.
Alice sprang after him shouting as she went. “No!”
“Where have you taken Jack?”
“Wait!”
He took no notice and despite his years he seemed to extend his lead. She followed through twists and turns before he took a flight of stairs into a partially built apartment block. She lost sight of him as he raced around a corner at the top and she redoubled her efforts to catch up. She tore round the corner only to come face to face with a large mirror. She was going too fast to prevent herself colliding with it and rushed to pull her arms up to protect her face, but the painful blow never came and Alice found herself falling.

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:35 pm

I feel your writing is strong enough already Kafria to stand on its own and for you to do original work. But if you are more comfortable starting on fanfic and going from there then do as you feel you must, writing is such a personnal thing, everyone I know who writes does it differently. And in my own expercience anything you write will feed one way or another into later stuff you write. So its all good.

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:42 pm

Is the dialogue between Alice and her mother from the show? I feel that bit could be extended if so to be a bit fuller, it felt a bit to me like the bare bones of a conversation and I would have liked more. Maybe more of what is going on in that releationship, something demonstraing more her mothers feelings or concerns for her daughter perhaps? Just a suggestion. Enjoyed the read again and looking forward to more.

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:49 pm

I have a strong desire to finish this, the further I go the more the tale and detail invades my brain, I want to be able to read this story! (A lot of my favourite reading and trash reading for fun has come from seeking out the source material for movies and tv series I like!)

Ideas are strange aren't they.

I read so much I always felt anything I started to think of was increadibly derivative, so stopped. This is openly derivative, so I stopped worrying about it and just got on with enjoying the writing. And then the links and ideas start, have got a notbook on the pc where I am tryng to remember to note things down to come back to as I need.

And yes writing is personal, but this is allowing me to see how I work, which is cool. PLus I keep having those moments, when you've been trying to figure out how something could work, then something clicks and the rest just falls into place Laughing

(first bit mine, 'all the pros/cons' on is from the show although i cut the earlier bits as it was about what the ring looked like, seemed unecessary at the time. I agree that it maybe could be extended and now I am further in I can see a useful extension, at the time I was caught up in how to get Alice out of the door without literally describing the scene! I intend to go through a full edit when i finish, weather I'll ever get that far remains to be seen)

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Wed Jul 27, 2011 9:04 pm

About to go to work, just peerked in. Kafria, I decided years ago everything is derivative. Cliches abound in the world. Just do it. It's the voice you find that matters, that's the unique part. In Squach's "random" story it is what struck me - the beauty (and danger) of being young. Let yourself go - and only show others what came out "in the flow" if it wasn't illegal or just too embarassing. My theory is, if you don't find your "voice"* then you're bound to forever write as a hack - and there's already plenty of us around! Sleep


*
This is usually "story teller's" voice, though "autobiographical" voice works too, and both, in my opinion, should at least seem like the same thing.

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:48 pm

Quite agree Orwell. Although the concern with finding a 'voice' can be hampering in itself. I tried for a very long time to develop a 'voice' and I only feel I am begining to succeed now with Home, partly because it directly reflects aspects of my everyday life but mainly because I stopped trying. Overthinking can be a problem. In the end the best stuff comes when you just let go and see what flows out (occasionally its just buckie Very Happy )

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Sat Aug 06, 2011 3:37 am

Tricky business, finding your voice, but if you say things truthfully, or try to truthfully put forward your version of what you think other people are like, then the voice appears of it's own accord. Mind, I think trying to look into the motivations and comprehending the thoughts of others is a good way to create authentic characters. My view is there are only ever human beings, not "bad" or "good" ones - just humans.... (if you don't include yourself, and honestly, then I don't believe you'll ever show yourself, and therefore be a fake writer all your life, and perpetually "voiceless" in a "Writer" sense).

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:08 pm

Umm... there is no more in the pipeline????

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:07 am

Currently writing chapter 11 - having a problem withit. Strangely enough it is the scene I have most wanted to write, and the first draft was the first thing i wrote, but i am struggling. Needs a rewrite as I have already met all the characters and I have found my initial voice for one of them since I wrote it. Equally i have a clear idea of the emotion/internal though points I want to hit (and written notes). Adding both these together, with the strong visual images (it is one of the most iconic scenes for me) is proving a real pain, getting to the point when I may just have to make my best rough pass and come bac to it later to allow myself to continue.

In the meantime here is Chapter 3

In the gloomy corridor Agent White waited, the dank smell coming from the pool of water which lay ankle deep around him. Occasional flashes of illumination came from the live cables hanging frayed and torn from the dangling light fittings around him. The grey corridor was once a hive of activity, with offices reverberating to the soft hum of countless conversations and constant whirring of machines. Doors in constant motion as busy employees transported information and documents to their destinations. Now nature was staking a claim, salvaging what it could from the ravages of man amid the electrical jungle of the lights. On the floor piles of rotting paper provided the soil for new grass islands, small refuges from the encroaching lakes and ponds.

Around the corner was the landing harbour from where the warning thump had stopped him in his tracks. He was the last one through; there should be no one else. There was only one logical arrival, an unnecessary problem. He stood immobile, ears straining for the telling sounds of his quarry. He held his breath and willed his heart to quiet, frozen in place.

There it was! The dratted oyster had followed him down the rabbit hole. Well she was on his patch now, time for a lesson in the price of interfering. He delayed for a moment or two, listening to her movements as she got her bearings and called out. Then, once he was sure she would follow, he moved from his sanctuary, into her line of sight and down the corridor, making for the exit. He scurried and splashed, leaving an audible trail, ensuring to keep ahead and planning as he went. She should have left well enough alone, it was none of her business. Well she could join the other oysters. That would tie up the loose ends nicely!

As he burst from the shadowy building he squinted in the harsh glow of the pre-dawn light. The fumes that still surrounded the city added to the feeling of dry, chemical heat, the vast grey tower blocks seemingly monochrome in the flat light. Poor vegetation, stunted and colourless, sprouted wherever it could find a foothold, the thin soil only supporting the hardiest of species. As his eyes acclimatised he sped down the narrow ledge to his right and caught up with his suits, the knave they had accosted still unconscious between them. He harried them on, glancing around to ensure there was no one else around to interfere. Glimpsing a blue shadow retreating around the building he smirked. So far so good, her determination was triumphing over caution.

Crossing a narrow bridge between ledges he glanced around once more, before rushing up the steps and through the door of his headquarters. "Get him to the landing dock. And lock him down, we can't have him getting away again" he instructed the suits. Turning to two more he added, "Clear the corridor, we have an extra treat for the casino. One more oyster,"

He strode to a side room, as the corridor cleared, thinking of the best way to trap his prey. She was inquisitive this one, better to let her put herself in danger than confront her again. As he reached his office he paused, issued another set of instructions then continued inside to check on the transport for the captive. The sooner he was delivered the sooner this whole mess would be over and he could get back to business as usual. He took the ring case out of his pocket and placed it carefully in the centre of his desk.


---oOo---

Alice dashed down the corridor, determined not to lose her only link to Jack, she wasn’t sure where she was or quite how she had got here. Finding Jack or his captors might be her only way home.
Bursting out of the building she slammed on the brakes as she found herself teetering on the brink of a huge drop. She scuttled back, till her back was securely against the wall and tried to make sense of what she could see. She was standing next to an Edwardian style office block, built with grey stone blocks, with another facing it across the street. Except there was no street, just a fall to the ground of several hundred stories, while above her the buildings reached as high again. The sidewalk she stood on was simply a grass covered ledge and as she looked at the one across the street she began to wonder what was keeping it up.
Nervously, she swallowed her doubts, focusing on Jack. She needed to find him and help him. As she looked up the street for her quarry she spotted him, halfway across a bridge over the non-existent street, hurrying the two men who were dragging Jack between them. As she examined Jack to see if he was okay the party hastened up the steps of the building and straight inside. After a quick look around, Alice sped across after them, careful to keep to the middle of the bridge. She didn’t want to fall.
The doors of the building were of frosted glass with a crest containing a white rabbit on, the same as the lapel badge she had noticed in the alley. Reluctant to go straight in Alice moved to the side windows to peer in. This building seemed as derelict as the one she had just left, with panes of glass broken and dirty, hiding whatever was inside. As Alice considered her options a motorised whirr caught her ears.
Turning, Alice first looked to the street, then, realising there could be nothing there, she looked up to find the strangest sight. A flying machine, shaped like a beetle, was skimming along the edge of the buildings with a search light underneath. Moving back under the canopy she followed its progress towards her, trying to get a better look at it. What was it? How could it fly? As she pondered these questions the light brushed over her arm and Alice jumped further back into the shade as she felt it burning. To her horror her skin was scorching, yet instead of blistering red, it was turning green, revealing swirling spirals. She rubbed at the mark to try and sooth the pain, then dampened her fingers on her lips, before trying to wash the mark away, without success.
The machine moved on out of sight and Alice’s thoughts returned to the building behind her and Jack. She had no choice, she needed to go in. Cautiously she opened the door and peered inside, before stealthily creeping through it. She lowered the door silently back into place and looked around. This was another derelict office building from the looks of it, with corridors moving deep inside. Green vines curled their way up doorways and walls, reclaiming this urban jungle. Jack must be here somewhere. Alice stole forward, ears straining for a sound to give her a clue which way to turn.
As she reached the junction of two corridors she noticed at the end of one was a three legged table made of solid glass, with nothing on it, but a small bottle with a paper label around it. Puzzled, Alice walked towards the table and picked up the bottle. She held out the label and read ‘Curiosity’. Intrigued she turned it over; here the words ‘killed the cat’ had been written. Feeling a prickle of awareness, Alice checked over her shoulder to see if someone was watching her, seeing no one she returned to her inspection of the dead end. Spotting a small grate in the white padded wall, she replaced the bottle on the table and walked over to it. Pushing the small grey handle she moved the grate to one side and peeked through.

---oOo---

Agent White watched the oyster as she caught sight of the other thirty, packed tight and sleeping in their crates. She gave a slight gasp and he saw her mouth widen in shock as she moved closer to the small grate. She was still riveted by the sight as he gave the order to close her crate. He smiled as he heard her panicked shout and the thuds her fists made on the panel as she tried to get out. They increased as the sides began to close in around her, enclosing her as well as any of the oysters.
He couldn’t resist opening the panel and peering in to see the fear on her face. “Hey, let me out of this thing”, she demanded, as feisty as ever.
“Temper, temper,” he admonished her, enjoying her discomfit.
Alice refused to be quelled “What the hell is this place?”
“You shouldn’t have come after me little oyster” He taunted her and then stepped back to watch this crate be lifted and stacked with the others. “Must dash, I’m running late!” he added, although by this point she was unable to hear him. He turned on his heal and trotted up the overgrown corridor back to his office. He picked up the ring case and placed it securely in his pocket. He gave a satisfied ‘hm’ as he considered the nights work. The ring was found, the knave apprehended and the only witness was trussed up with the other oysters and ready to take to the casino. All that was left was to deliver them all and collect his reward. He swept out of the room, making for the scarab.

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Kafria Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:10 am

Swiftly followed by chapter four, - This one is completely mine. (Dormouse exists in the show) It was an exercise in trying to intro a character I will need in a minor way to facilitate the expanded plot of this telling of the tale, So interested in how this fits with the rest, and stands up on it's own.

Chapter four

Gryphon jerked himself up a little further, blinking his eyes repeatedly to clear the sleep that threatened to close them. He had been here all night, on lookout. He couldn’t sleep now, it was crucial that he remain alert and watchful. Dormouse had told him that Caterpillar needed his intel personally.
Soon after he had arrived here, in the dim dusk shadows, he had watched the raiding team assemble and set out. A routine event, which he had observed from his vantage point many times before, but something was strange tonight, Agent White had accompanied them. This was unexpected, as he usually stayed snug and secure within the White Rabbit headquarters, when he was not reporting to the casino. He watched the party until they passed out of sight, trying to spot anything else out of the ordinary, committing it all to memory as he had practised many times before. He would be quizzed later, on any detail that the others thought important.
Gryphon lay motionless on his ledge, eyes searching for any sign further sign of activity across the street. His muscles ached from the long vigil, but he dare not move for fear of detection. A fly began to investigate his neck, drawn by the warmth and aroma of unwashed flesh, its feet tickling as it skittered about. Gryphon flinched slightly, enough to dislodge the insect for a moment before it settled back down again. He determined to ignore it; he couldn’t risk a bigger move.
After watching the suits exit time had passed slowly, few people ventured into this part of the city without a good reason, the suits would shoot first and ask questions later. As the sun set and the temperature dropped he began to wish he had brought a jacket, chills running down his spine. When the shivering and icy pains in his fingers and toes became too much he began to flex his hands and feet, trying to get the blood flowing without moving too much. By this time the height of the buildings around was blocking any light from the moon leaving him in a deep shadow and reducing the risk of detection. He tried to amuse himself, looking at the outlines revealed by the limited light, imagining what they could be, in the same way people did with clouds on a relaxed summer’s day. Not that many of them had been able to relax for years.
Now as he cleared his eyes he spotted the party returning, their catch being led along like docile sheep. No sign of Agent White though, Gryphon noticed, puzzled. Alert now he gazed along the path to the rabbit hole, straining in the faint light to make out any more figures. The sky began to brighten as dawn crept nearer, the city holding its breath before the day began. Maybe no one else was returning today, should he leave and let Dormouse know that Agent White was through the Looking Glass? As he stretched and looked around ready to make a move he glimpsed a movement and froze, eyes widening in shock, as he recognised the captive being pulled along by the suits, Agent White hurrying behind.
As they entered the building Gryphon looked up towards the Scarab dock, there wasn’t one ready, but they needed one to transport the catch to the casino. On the ledge opposite he saw the suits arrive and secure their prisoner, retreating a small way to keep him under observation. Then he heard the familiar, menacing hum of a Scarab as it squeezed through the narrow gaps between buildings, he watched as it came along the street and turned the corner of the building, docking with the ledge. In the corner of his eye he caught a flash of blue and returned his attention to the front of the building staring hard. There was no sign of anyone, whatever it was had disappeared. He remained staring at the spot, in case it reappeared, until he heard the Scarab take off. A quick check of the dock showed the prisoner was gone and thirty cargo crates being carried under the transporter. Once the Scarab was out of site Gryphon stood and stretched, muscles complaining as his joints cracked. Taking a last look round to check he wasn’t being watched he loped off, keeping to the shadows.
Moving quickly and hurrying between the pools of darkness the scrawny youth looked no different to any of the other street brats living in the city. Uneven straggling blond hair fell just above Gryphons shoulders, which were covered by a hand me down grey shirt, tucked into faded black trousers, the colour emphasising the sallow look of his face. Beneath the frayed cuffs only his fingertips were visible as he swung his arms in time with his rapid walk.
Few people were about, just those on the way to work early or returning from dubious night activities. No one strolled or passed the time of day, they never did in the city. Those who lived here were scrapping a living in any way they could, manual labour to keep the city’s basic infrastructure turning over, odd jobs for the casino to keep out of trouble, anything to get something to trade at the teashops. And if you didn’t want to be part of it, the white rabbit and the suits would keep you in line. Chatting and getting friendly often led to manipulation or betrayal and in the worst cases, the casino. So, people kept their heads down and avoided eye contact, rushing to their destinations as fast as they could.
Swinging himself on to a ladder, Gryphon hurried down two stories. Reaching a narrow ledge, he edged along smoothly. A good way to ensure this refuge was difficult to reach undetected. Around the corner the ledge extended further out from the building and was lined with thick bushes that he skirted round. At the fifth one he disappeared into its shadowy depths were a door was concealed, green paint peeling. He knocked and waited, a small hatch in the door opened, a familiar face peered out and asked “How were the Owl and the Panther sharing a pie?”
“The panther took pie crust, and gravy, and meat. While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat,” he supplied before listening as the bolts were drawn back and the door opened. He hurried inside, glancing at the door warden, who nodded briefly before turning his attention to re-securing the entrance. Gryphon strode down the narrow hall, tatty paper peeling from the walls, weeds growing on the floor, to the room at the end. Pausing, to gather his thoughts and refresh the memories he had carefully stored, he knocked.
“Enter” was the squeaked reply. Pushing the door wide Gryphon moved into the small space. A number of often repaired chairs were placed around a battered table. A small figure, swaddled in an outsized overcoat, scarf and gloves sat huddled in the chair at the end of the table. “Ah, Gryphon, come and sit down and give me your report” she instructed. “I haven’t got long before I need to be off.”
“I’ll keep it short then. Fishing trip went out and returned with thirty more oysters. Agent White went with them and brought back Jack Heart. A...”
“What?” Dormouse squeaked, as she jumped in her seat and sat straight her eyes blinking rapidly. “Are you sure he was with them? What about the oysters, anything unusual?”
“It was him and he was in trouble. He was being dragged along by two suits and they kept him restrained while they were waiting for the Scarab. Why do you think….” Gryphon began to ask, but was interrupted again.
“Was there an oyster with him?”
“An oyster? No.” he replied, now puzzled. Why was Dormouse so interested in the knave? And why would he be with an oyster?
“Anything else?” Dormouse added, putting an end to his musings.
“I thought I saw someone else, but I’m not sure. I only caught a glimpse and they didn’t reappear!” He thought again about that flash of blue, was it a person or had he imagined it?
“Alright, I’m going to need to go. I’ll need a full report on this one; I need to know about the oysters they brought through so start at the beginning! Lory, get in here and take a record.” She shouted down the corridor as she began to rise from the chair and scurry out. Lory arrived with a torn and stained pad of paper, this must be important if they were going to use some of the small stock of paper to make a full report. Lory settled down and then looked at him expectantly, so he relaxed and let the memories take over.
“Raiding party return, led by Ace of spades. First, middle aged woman with short blond hair wearing a purple cardigan over a grey dress and with a gold chain and teardrop pendant. Next suit with middle aged gentleman, full black suit over a black and white striped tie. Third...” Gryphon continued talking, barely aware of his surroundings as the memories flowed.

oOo

Dormouse listened as Gryphon continued his recitation until she was too far away to make out the information. What a shame she couldn’t stay, but she needed to get to work, her cover, which allowed her access to a whole lot of information. She left the refuge and scurried along to the teashop, thinking over what she had been told. Jack had been caught! Well that just about put an end to their hopes for a coup. The ring would be making its way back to the casino too. The only hope left was that the oyster hadn’t been caught too. That would have to wait till she could study the report later. She turned her thoughts to how to get the message to Caterpillar quickly, still planning details as she hurried up the steps under the neon sign to the teashop.

_________________
Never laugh at dragons, Bilbo you fool! - TH

'A novel is a long piece of prose with ,in the eyes of the author at least, something wrong with it - Neil Gaiman, intro to American gods
Kafria
Kafria
Lady of Dale

Posts : 1270
Join date : 2011-02-13

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:57 am

Ah bugger- I somehow missed you had posted this Kafria and now I spot it just I am about to slink off into my barrel to sleep off the buckie. I shall get to it tomorrow (or is that later today now, oh dear).

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Sat Aug 13, 2011 6:02 am

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Ah bugger- I somehow missed you had posted this Kafria and now I spot it just I am about to slink off into my barrel to sleep off the buckie. I shall get to it tomorrow (or is that later today now, oh dear).

My plan too - to a point, excepting the sleep and buckie. I need to rest my eyes and brain. Will return in the "right" frame of mind to read this, Kafria - later on.

{{{{Good night, Petty. Love you!}}}}}

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Pettytyrant101 Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:46 pm

I decided to keep the reply box open as I read to note down things which occured, so here goes my thoughts as I read.

Like your descriptive writing Kafria- "Doors in constant motion" is a lovely phrase. "the vast grey tower blocks seemingly monochrome in the flat light"- another winning description.
Got to say the story has me hooked- even if it is not an original story from you Kafria you still have to make it work on the page and engage he reader, and you are doing that in spades.

If you had not mentiond Kafria that the second post was your own invention and not from the show I would never have guessed. It seemed to me tonally identical, good job there.

“The panther took pie crust, and gravy, and meat. While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat,”- that just seems so perfectly apt and in the context raised a smile as I read.

The story is intriguing and the setting too. My only critism is that sometimes I feel I would like to know the characters a little better. Perhaps because its based on a tv show there is something tv like about how the reader gets to know them- their words and actions are the main clues where in writing you have that chance to get a bit deeper and internal with the characters (which you do but I think I'd like more of it). But I am thoroughly enjoying reading this and very much looking forward to more. Although I am rather dreading the possible fate of Oysters in this Casino! Poor little Oysters never get it easy in any version of Alice in Wonderland. Is there a Walrus and a Carpenter- no don't tell me! Spoilers! I shall contain myself and await further installments. Very Happy

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
Pettytyrant101
Pettytyrant101
Crabbitmeister

Posts : 45241
Join date : 2011-02-14
Age : 50
Location : Scotshobbitland

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:38 am

Kafria, my true love [platonic], I will read and review first thing tomorrow morning --- just now I need an evening of rest and then sleep! I've been away, and actually I'm a bit tired and off colour too! (My condition is due mainly to a late night and buckie! Embarassed ) Morning's - and peace - work better for me anyhow for respectful reading! (Will also read and critique Petty's critique then! Laughing)

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Orwell Fri Aug 19, 2011 11:17 am

I have read everything, including the parts I already have. Quirky tale. I have no way of knowing what's yours and what's from this TV show of yours, but I like the wild imagination going on - whether yours or theirs or both? Like all the descriptions and characters. I guess it will all make more sense when I read further instalments. I guess Petty's need to know more about the characters is one I share, though i'm guessing this will become more overt once we get further into the tale? It's an exciting adventure already. I want to know more.

_________________
‘The streets of Forumshire must be Dominated!’
Quoted from the Needleholeburg Address of Moderator General, Upholder of Values, Hobbit at the top of Town, Orwell, while glittering like gold.
Orwell
Orwell
Dark Presence with Gilt Edge

Posts : 8895
Join date : 2011-05-24
Age : 103
Location : Ozhobbitstan

Back to top Go down

Wonderland - Kafria Empty Re: Wonderland - Kafria

Post by Ally Sun Aug 21, 2011 4:07 pm

I watched part 1 today of Alice- before my holiday I finally got round to buying a few things on my amazon wishlist, I think I must of added it after reading Kafria's earlier thread! Though I think I have purchased the dutch version, still haven't figured out how to turn the subtitles off! I thought it was the best adaptation I've seen, much better than disney's version! Smile

_________________
SHUT UP CAROLINE.

Ally
Wannabe Beard

Posts : 2788
Join date : 2011-02-13
Age : 28
Location : they/them

Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum