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Post by azriel Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:57 pm

I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene

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If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:57 pm

I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"



I think he's dabbling in the Yakult

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:57 pm

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.



Those piranhas don't muck about!

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:21 pm

Help! I’m playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I’ve only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:23 pm

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"



"We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."



"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you," the lawyer said.



"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."



"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You also come with us."



The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"



"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.



They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."



The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high."

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by chris63 Wed May 03, 2017 6:52 am

Two fellows in long coats came to my door trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner.
I think they were Jehoovers Witnesses.

Then two fellows knocked on the door trying to sell me brown bread.
They were Jehovis Witnesses.

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Post by chris63 Wed May 03, 2017 6:55 am

Why do women have orgasms

Something else for them to moan about.

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Post by chris63 Wed May 03, 2017 7:00 am

My wife said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It's put me in a very difficult position.

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Post by azriel Wed May 03, 2017 10:01 am

Laughing Razz

You & I are at opposite points on the globe & yet here we are..clean jokes, mucky jokes, jokes to tell the vicar, jokes about the vicar Very Happy

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by chris63 Thu May 04, 2017 10:58 pm


Don't forget it's the AGM of the weak bladder association tonight. If you can't make it just give us a tinkle...

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Post by chris63 Thu May 04, 2017 11:05 pm

Would an Atheist church be classed as a Non prophet organization?

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Post by chris63 Thu May 04, 2017 11:14 pm

After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain. Nice one, 2016.

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.

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Post by chris63 Thu May 04, 2017 11:56 pm

A pensioner shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No', he replied, 'arthritis'.

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Post by azriel Fri May 05, 2017 8:46 pm

Laughing

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

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Post by chris63 Wed May 10, 2017 7:06 am

Have you heard of Murphy's Law

-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong

-What's about Cole's law?

-No

-It's a thin-slice cabbage dipped in mayonnaise and sour cream

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Post by halfwise Wed May 10, 2017 12:01 pm

:facepalm:

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Post by azriel Wed May 10, 2017 6:33 pm

Laughing so bad its good Smile

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 18 Jean-b11
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Post by halfwise Wed May 10, 2017 7:15 pm

Only works when written.

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Post by chris63 Thu May 11, 2017 10:37 am

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Post by Mrs Figg Thu May 11, 2017 6:32 pm

Moon slap laugh
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Post by David H Thu May 11, 2017 9:33 pm

Maybe this will help with your problem Chris! Smile :carrot:

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Post by halfwise Thu May 11, 2017 10:08 pm

How do you find these using a dial up? I know you say you use a lot of guesswork but I don't believe it.

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Post by chris63 Fri May 12, 2017 12:41 am

Thats one big prick.....ly thing Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

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Post by Bluebottle Fri May 12, 2017 12:51 am

Quote of the day:
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He said..
Grytpype: I've been thinking...
Seagoon: He paused.
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He repeated.
Grytpype: I think you're our man.
Seagoon: Me?
Grytpype: He replied.
Seagoon: But I don't understand!
Grytpype: He vouch-safed. Don't you Neddie?
Seagoon: He proclaimed.
Grytpype: Then I said...
Seagoon: Are you with us Neddie? To which I replied...
Grytpype: Yes! Then I told him my name.
Seagoon: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical Society.
Grytpype: He said I said...
Seagoon: He said I said...
Grytpype: Goodnight, and out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.
(The Yehti)

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Post by chris63 Fri May 12, 2017 1:02 am

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