Doctor Who and the Wankermen of Shoevius

8

Once Ringo, Petty and Bernie had been conveyed to their points of destination in Azril's rollerwheeler, she took the Doctor back to her apartment in Wanktown, just north of the shoe factory, which said town was situated in an huge clearing of many hectares on the banks of a mighty river called the Wankwater

"I'm really unsure what to do, Doctor," Azril was saying as they got out of her rollerwheeler, "as you clearly don't want to be a shoe-healer, or a crotch-sewer, or a bordello body-warmer. Mm... So what do I do?"

"I'd think it a good start if you put your expressorators away," the Doctor said. "I promise not to escape, not until I've had a cup of tea, at least."

"I think I can trust you, but I'll be back on alert immediately after you've sipped the last of your tea," Azril warned her.

Azriel then took the Doctor up to her apartment.

"I must say," the Doctor commented as they climbed the stairs of Azriel's apartment to level nine. "You Wankerfolk treat your slaves in a rather casual and benign way."

"Oh we just figure a happy slave is a generally productive slave. Though folk who don't cooperate - like yourself - do make it difficult as I've just found. What do I do with you? Makes you want to have a cuppa just to give you thinking time."

They reached Azriel's door and she fingerprinted the doorunjammer and entered immediatel with the Doctor in tow.

It was a rather nice apartment. Modern decor. Modern design. Lovely flowerpots on the dining table and wallshelves made by the famed Hypertufa potter, Owellikens the Potter Man.

"Do you live alone?" The Doctor asked.

"Yes. I had a Wankerhusband once but sent him the way of all Wankerhusband's in the end - out the door with a foot up his arse. I'm much happier now. You?" Azriel asked as she went to put the kettle on.

"Well, I  was married to Mister Figg until I accidentally cut his head off  with a carving knife while peeling spuds when he got home late one night from work with lipstick on his collar and a smug grin on his face. It was the grin that got me worked up, and distracted, caused me to do something accidentally fatal to him. He never recovered. Mind you, that was the Mrs  Figg of this body which I now inhabit as the Doctor. I'm actually about twelve Doctors by the way, or ten maybe, something like that. It's kind of queer. I have this incredible urge all the time to scratch my testicles, which is both unladylike and impossible when you inhabit a female body, if you know what I mean."

"I don't really, but I can imagine. I have my own issues. Did you realise I'm not really blue skinned, I paint each morning, and my expressorators are just mechanical do-dads I clasp to my ladyzookers before work. I'm not actually a true Wankerwoman at all. Mind you, you wouldn't know to see the way I dress."

"Not a Wankerwoman?"

"No, not a real one. I'm actually human. I just pretended to be a Wankerwoman, rose through the ranks, and now am third in power behind Amarie and Orwellinzamorn."

"Sooo..." the Doctor drawled, a cunning plan formulating in her cunning mind. "If you're not really of the Wankerfolk, you can't be all that.. Well.... Loyal... And all?"

"No, not really. One lump or two?"

"None thanks. I'm watching my waistline... Now, if you could become Great Leader of the Wankerfolk, for instance, by, say, deposing Amarie and Orwrllinzamorn, then.. Well.."

"Well, I'd be in charge, wouldn't I."

"It would seem so."

"What a cunning Doctor you are. I'll have to think more on it. Strong or weak?"

"Strong, and just a splash of milk."

"We only have rommitbeast milk on Shoevius."

"That's fine. Frankly, I can't tell the difference. Do you at least think my idea meritorious?"

"I definitely do. But how do we go about deposing of Orwellinzamorn? He does so much like being Head Wanker."

"Well, we could go to wherever he is now, and while I engage him in a conversation about how clever he is to be such a Great Leader, you can sneak up behind him and cut his throat with a carving knife. That one over there in the knife block on the bench looks like it wil do the job. Once that's accomplished, we can work on a plan to deal with Amarie.."

"Oh she's easy dealt with, now that I'm in traitorous mode." Amarie laughed. "I'll just send a missile to blow up her cave; like the one I blew up the Space Ark Lolipop with. Easy peasy."

"Great. Great minds working together. I love it."

"I must say, Doctor, I didn't think you were the killer type. Your reputation lead me to believe you despise all violence."

"Oh that's all in the past. You see, all the Doctors up until me were weak pacifist types, in men-bodies, not women-like, if you know what I mean."

"I do. Now, a nice Shoevian bogoberry cookie with your tea?"

"Indeed. Must say, this dining table by the window is very trendy."

"Yes. I like a bit of style in the place. Take a seat. You know, I confess to having a bit of taste, not being a man and all." And they laughed. "Now Doctor, be a darling and pass me the tobacco jar, will you love."

A cunning plan. Of course, the only way to deal with Wankers is to find the Snake and cut off its Head. But you have to make sure it's the right Head, if you know what I mean.

" He does so much like being Head Wanker."

Love the easy way the conversation flows between the 2 ladies I feel all puffed up planing the demise of well, .....men & in such a civilised way, tea & cookies

You know, that sly old dog, Ol' Anon, now has me imagining ladies in a tea room discussing men and I'm wondering what they really think of us...

Ha Ha !! The old paranoia kicking in ? Rest assured, we couldnt love you anymore than we already do.........

As in no matter how hard you try you've already hit your limit?

Orwell wrote: You know, that sly old dog, Ol' Anon, now has me imagining ladies in a tea room discussing men and I'm wondering what they really think of us...

I think opinion is divided.

9

"In my dualistic mind opinion is divided," the Doctor was saying as she made the pleasant walk through a park with Azriel on the way to Orwellinzamorn's apartment in Wankerowanko Parade on the leafy south side of Wanktown. "Part of me likes the idea of you cutting Orwelinzamorn's throat and watching his life force spurting out like a red fountain, but the other part would actually like to do it myself."

"Well, I'm not that worried who does it as long as someone does," Azriel replied as she took in a delightful waft of Shoeviun parkland air. "My gosh, it's great to be alive, imagine how much greater when Orwellinzamorn and Amarie are moved on in the eternal sense. I'm more than happy to let you do the slitting. Hell knows, I've had my fair share of doing satisfying stuff like that, what with other Wankerwomen and careers that clashed with mine."

"The problem with that, I'm afraid, is I doubt Orwellinzamorn would ever turn his back on me. I'm sure he must think I'm a cunning and tricky being bent on thwarting him."

"Right you are, I'll just have to do it. You can do it next time if opportunity ever presents again. It's a small universe, after all. In such circumstances, I can even hold our prey down while you get to work;
not a drama, sweet lady."

"How generous of you, Azriel. For a human woman masquerading as a Wankerwoman, you certainly have a humane gentility about you."

"Why, thank you. For a Doctor who prefers killing her enemies to pacifism, you surely have a gentility yourself."

"We're like a couple of charming Tory wives," the Doctor laughed and she took Azriel's arm and like old Tory-wife chums they sauntered on through the park, arm in arm, taking in the scenery, sniffing the sweet floriferous air of a wonderful sunny Spring afternoon on Shoevius, both looking very much forward to reaching their destination and getting their business done.

Orwell wrote: You know, that sly old dog, Ol' Anon, now has me imagining ladies in a tea room discussing men and I'm wondering what they really think of us...

Jury is out on that one. But on reflection I am leaning towards Mankini's being an abomination on humanity and Alan Rickman being a blessing on humanity.

How about Alan Rickman in a mankini?

oh yes please under his Snape Cape.

10


The Doctor and Azzi were having a jolly time walking across the park, absorbing the floral Shoeviun florally bio spherical atmosphere and sunshine, chatting about men and their many shortcomings, and Orwellinzamorning and his shortcoming - which Azzi seemed to know an awful lot about - and how satisfying it was going to be to execute his uncoming. 

But their pleasant day was suddenly turned to disappointment. And the first hint of it was the sudden approach of Orwellinzamorn.

And while the onset of Orwellinzamorn's arrival was often believed to be the harbinger of disappointments - not great disappointments, just little inconsequential ones, though depending somewhat on how much one values sex - on this occasion the disappointment was rather larger than it was smaller. 

Breathlessly, he minced up at speed.

"What's going on?" Azzi demanded to know.

"It's the Vegans!" he squealed in a high pitched (but very masculine) voice. "They have landed in their crocheted spacecraft powered by beetroot juice and lentil farts and are now killing every human and Wankerman in sight - Wankermen being meat eaters too, if only eaters of the Shoeviun Emperor Butterfly caterpillar."

"Vegans!" The Doctor gasped. "My second worst enemy after the Multiversal Society of Fruitarians. What a turn up for the books. It's like something I said on one thread influencing what's happening on an entirely different thread, not brilliantly, but with the fortuitous laziness of the worst excesses of Ol' Anon. Let's get out of here. It's back to the Tardis. My goodness, I hate the Vegans. They can say such hurtful things!"

"Don't I know," Orwellinzamorn cried as he threw off his ejectorator to reveal himself as a rather foppish human with a rather huge bunion. "They said I was a cowardly piece of shit as I ran away. Piece if shit? How dreadful."

"What about our plan to conquer the universe?" Azzi wanted to know as she looked at Orwellinzamorn with a certain amount of repressed murder-desire. 

"My gawd. Is that murder-desire I can see in your eyes?" orwellinzamorn stuttered. "Was it that incident with the cucumber? I never knew you were related, you know..."

"Never mind. Oh well, Doctor. Looks like the jig is up. Where is this Tardis of yours?"

"Oh about a month away on foot."

"We'll need to catch a taxi then."

When they got to Wankorgo Street South, the ladies hailed a Cab at the nearest taxi wank, and headed off quickly into the jungle, the taxi's front end chomperbumpers cutting a swathe through first a sward of ogle boohoo vine, then through a florid and bronze entanglement of wobbly bobbly bushes, then through a copse of yellow flowered thorny winglewangle glo-moss, and before you could say, Eldo is a fine lover of pottery, the two intrepid ladies found themselves outside the Tardis. 

"Oh my gawd," Azzi cried as she got out. "Orwellinzamorn! Was that you in the front seat beside the driver? I thought I recognised that bunion, though in profile I couldn't be sure."

"I don't suppose I could come with you," Orwellinzamorn asked sheepishly with doe like eyes. 

"Oh alright." The Doctor sighed. "And you, Driver. My gawd, it's Petty!"

Petty climbed out from the drivers seat. "You didn't really think you'd get rid of me, did you." 

"But you were enslaved doing something or rather in a factory, weren't you?"

"I don't remember where I was enslaved, and neither does Ol' Anon, he being too lazy to go back and look."

"And, as usual, he's got bored with the story and has opted to finish it in a stupid and lazy way," the Doctor frowned.

And it was just so. 

"Vegans!" The Doctor gasped. "My second worst enemy after the Multiversal Society of Fruitarians. What a turn up for the books. It's like something I said on one thread influencing what's happening on an entirely different thread, not brilliantly, but with the fortuitous laziness of the worst excesses of Ol' Anon. Let's get out of here. It's back to the Tardis. My goodness, I hate the Vegans. They can say such hurtful things!"

The bolded is one of the best things about Forumshire fanfic tho.