what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.....she hit the f****g roof.

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.



So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.



This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?
.....
This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

'Use the tazer, Mick!

'Use the tazer, Mick!
'Use the tazer, Mick!


Use the fukkin' tazer!'

I bet he's regretting he joined the Mounties now

Oh my.

Love the centipede joke
whats with all these todgers lately ?

Have you seen the new corduroy pillow?

It's a headliner

Paddy stood at the bar getting pissed, trying to work out why he’s only got three brothers when his sister has four.

Many scientists agree the only way to solve the planet's worsening energy crisis is for the whole world to convert to solar power.


That's not going to happen overnight.

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Medics say he needed a second coat.

My wife was taking a bath the other day and she got her big toe stuck up the cold tap. It would not come out whatever we tried,so in desperation i had to call in a plumber. To preserve her modesty I put a bowler hat over her pussy.I said to the plumber "can you please get her toe out of the tap"?
He replied " Yes, no problem, but I can do fuck all for Acker Bilk"

Is that guy still alive ? God he is ! 85yrs old, poor chap has had some serious health problems tho, Best wishes to him I say.
Takes me back to this, seeing Acker......




can still remember the theme music, ( oh gawwwwd, that dates me   )......( I was 1yrs at the time ! )..........(that should do it )